Just got the blogger app for my iPhone, which has been recently acquired.
This could be very good news or very bad. I might be posting way more often than anyone would like to read.
Thank you all for the welcome back and the offers for support. I appreciate it immensely. It often feels like I am alone in all this, because its not something we come out and say in casual conversation with people we meet.
"Oh yeah, well, I have an eating disorder and cannot tolerate the shape of my body. If I could starve myself then maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much."
But you all understand. You are there or have been there, too.
Thank you. :)
I should return to work, I suppose.
I have a new job now, I'm a postie. :)
I think my boss likes me.
It's my 2nd day and he asked me if I wanted to work full-time and if I wanted to close up the store at night.
I guess that's a good thing, although I do not want to work full-time.
I will however, close up the store.
Nothing much new to report. worked 12 hours today - 6 at the gym & 6 at Subway. 8am - 9:30pm.
I'm going to crash now.
Today I fit into shorts that I bought last fall when I was losing weight - my lowest weight at that time was 112 lbs.
They've never fit before.
I'm glad but I am worried.
Should I not be this skinny?
But I am still so goddamn FAT.
I spent all day being lazy.
I stayed in my pajamas until about 1 pm.
I sewed (is that a word?) two finger puppets for A to give to a friend for her birthday.
We can't go to her party, I will be working and have no way to get her there.
I also sewed the removable straps permanently to the front of a dress I bought. It is the one I plan on wearing to my friends' wedding this August. So I have to stay at the same weight or else I won't fit into it anymore.
The straps pulled on the little clasps at the front of the dress, so that the white inner fabric and the plastic clasp showed.
I just went and sewed the strips right onto the inner part of the front of the dress, so they don't show anymore.
I am kinda proud of myself!
Here's the dress:
I have replaced the little belt with a big wide brown one. I like that better.
And of course, I am using the straps, as I am mortally afraid of strapless garments.
Tell me what you think of the dress.
I may perhaps post a pic of me in it someday.
I can feel it creeping up on me.
The temptation to become tiny.
To eat the minimum number of calories to remain functional.
I may be consumed already.
But all I wanted was to be healthy.
To eat regularly and lose some weight, then maintain at a comfortable weight.
Several people have commented on my weight loss.
It's only 20 lbs.
I'm not skinny.
I still have my roll of extra skin on my belly, that will never go away.
I am still 110 lbs.
I was called scrawny, disappearing, wasting away to nothing.
I was told I look amazing.
I was asked if I had lost weight recently, that I was looking really thin. (By a GUY, and not a young one either, just a work colleague)
All this has me worried that I have already gone too far.
But in my head it has hardly even started.
And that kinda scares me.
"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone, it's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself." - Deborah Reber
Oh my God, Janitorial work is SHIT.
I really thought I could think of it as just a job to get by and not worry about how low/gross/trashy it is.
But I hated it.
And I don't know if I can continue.
I told my Supervisor (an old friend that I have worked with previously) that I didn't know if I was really cut out for this job.
She told me everyone is overwhelmed at first and that I need to give it at least a month.
I will likely blind myself with a spray bottle of glass cleaner before a month is up.
It is my first day at Subway tomorrow.
I'm really hoping that goes better.
I wanted to go to Yoga tonight, bought my ticket and everything, but I ended up having to work the janitor job instead.
And I have to do the janitor job every Monday for the next month, so no Yoga for me. :(
I was up at 4:50 am to be at work at the gym at 6 am, for a really long 7 hour shift.
So needless say I'm a little tired.
I did however, make a pretty yummy concoction for dinner.
I made Moroccan Tagine with Spring Vegetables from Vegan with a Vengeance, served over couscous.
It was a bit time consuming to prepare, but not in a labour-intensive way, and even N said it was pretty good.
Although she is partial to anything served with couscous - she loves that stuff!
You might all remember my binge episode earlier in the week, on the absolutely delicious chocolate chunk vegan banana bread I made out of our black bananas, the remainder of the Easter chocolate, and a box of Peach-Yogurt LifeStyles cookies
It wasn't the worst binge I have ever had, not by far, but it felt pretty crappy.
I admitted to a friend who I ran into while grocery shopping for fruit/veggies (we were almost out and that's part of the reason I binged on the other stuff) that I had eaten nothing but cookies all day.
In a humorous manner, of course. Never take yourself too seriously, right?
She said: "I am really amazed at how much weight you've lost lately. One day of cookies isn't gonna screw it all up."
I decided at that moment that she was right, and I was going to keep it at one day of cookies and get back on the healthy train.
And I did it.
Somehow this feels like a momentous achievement.
Like, I chose to beat that binge.
My weigh-in this week was not a huge drop like I have been seeing in past weeks; due to the binge, obviously.
Although I did give in and weigh the night after the binge, so about 24 hours after I was done, and I was only up from 114.7 to 115.9.
That's hardly ANY binge weight, if you ask me.
And now I am down to 114.1 again, so I suppose the one day of cookies really didn't undo all my efforts.
Well, that's about all I have time for right now.
I hope everyone else's day went better than mine did today.
And I hope my day tomorrow goes better.
I did it.
I started today over, without too much guilt.
I did eat chocolate this morning, but it was about 260 calories worth.
I did not let it ruin my day.
I did not use it as an excuse to go grocery shopping for binge foods.
Life is cheaper without binge episodes.
I mentioned this to my sister once, who struggles with similar food issues.
"We should NEVER binge together."
She actually calculated once that she spent over $200 in binge foods in a single month.
Going to the Dr to get my lab results tomorrow morning.
And got a third job this morning.
Cleaning businesses, mostly after hours.
I didn't even get interviewed, just sent in my resume this morning after a friend called and said they were looking for someone.
The boss called me back almost immediately and offered me the position based on my friends' recommendation.
I have to go in tomorrow and fill out some forms.
Yes, I am a workaholic.
I hope I can handle all this. I really do.
Tomorrow I will forget it all.
Tomorrow I will be back on track.
I will learn from this.
I did it because of the new job.
Because I am stressed.
Because I don't know if I can handle it all.
My laptop is being sent away for repairs.
It is still covered under the extended warranty that I was bright enough to purchase when I bought it just under 2 years ago.
But it will take up to a month.
You tell me how I am supposed to live without my laptop for a month?!
Right now I am on the laptop that the kids use to play internet games.
My sister bought a new laptop and gifted us her old one.
But it doesn't have Microsoft Office, so no Word or Excel.
I need those to do my mindless recipe typing, as well as send out resumes and look for a new job.
A new job.
I got one this morning, by the way.
At Subway.
Yes, I am now a Sandwich Artist.
I was hoping to find something a little better, but this will do for now, I suppose.
I just hope it doesn't make me too busy.
I hope I will still be able to see my children.
Weight was down after the weigh-in yesterday, 114.7.
I am still holding strong to my meal-plan and haven't binged in over a month.
I am not consuming enough calories, as marked by the fact that I am still losing weight, but at least my body knows I am feeding it regularly.
And I am finally fully recovered from the mysterious illness that made me want to curl up in a ball and die.
3 weeks of misery.
So glad that's over.
Bought a new bathing suit today. And a dress.
Spent a crap-load of money that I don't really have, actually.
I really need to stop doing that.
Laptop is busted. The ex couldn't fix it.
Taking it in tomorrow, but I am resigned to having to purchase a new one.
As if I can afford such things.
Now it won't even let me download iTunes.
Why does technology hate me so much?
Weigh-in tomorrow.
I am excited when I know I should not be.
Because I know I have lost.
The question is, how much?
People have started to notice.
I don't know if I should be glad or worried.
I am tracking calories more than ever.
Less to make sure I am eating often enough, more to make sure I am eating as few calories as possible.
I need to stop this now.
I have been exercising pretty well lately. Went to the gym Friday, Saturday, and today.
I only did cardio Friday & today, but Saturday I did some weights on my arms, and they are still a little sore.
I hope to get in some cardio tomorrow night after work as well, if not a run tomorrow in the day.
At least the weather is getting better.
At least one thing is going right.
Went to the Dr today and she accused me of having a VD.
I tried to tell her that it wasn't actually physically possible, as a partner/sex buddy would be necessary to acquire such things.
I don't think I convinced her.
I swear to god it's a fucking yeast infection!
YES, I get them quite severely.
TMI, I know. :S
She did agree to run a whole bunch of nutrient/vitamin tests on me though, after I told her I was struggling with my ED at the moment and feeling very rundown.
She didn't know about it.
Didn't read up on my file, apparently.
Going to dinner & movie at the school tonight.
Spaghetti & meatballs, salad & bun.
$15 for all 3 of us, since I didn't pay for A's meal (I'm pretty sure she can eat from mine. Heck, she can have ALL of mine! I'll eat the salad!)
I really believe I can do this.
I got through Easter.
I can get through one night of pasta.
I have allotted myself 1 cup pasta, 3 meatballs, and 1/2 cup sauce.
All the salad I want.
No popcorn.
Went to the gym for the first time in ages this morning.
Only had time to do the elliptical for 25 minutes, but it felt good. :)
I might go tomorrow after work as well, since the ex will be here and it's probably best I stay away as much as possible.
Just to prolong avoidance of the inevitable conflict that is bound to occur.
I think I am almost healthy again, despite the so-called VD.
Only woke up with slight headaches the last 2 days.
Here's hoping for freedom from the vice-grip of pain tomorrow.
My laptop is busted.
It's one thing after the other.
The mouse/cursor pad won't move.
I did discover that if you plug in a USB mouse, it works.
Which is good, because the other laptop has a busted right click key and doesn't have a functional version of microsoft office, so would therefore not allow me to do any of my mindless OCD recipe copying.
However, the keyboard on this laptop now seems to quit every so often, and you have to restart everything to get it to work. Usually it lasts about half an hour before I have to restart it, but this time it's been an hour already, so maybe it decided to fix itself?
I can only hope.
I'm hoping that my now "ex" will be able to fix it when he comes this weekend.
Ate a little better today. A little more.
I did wake up with the killer headache again this morning, the same as the last 2 days.
Took tylenol and went back to bed for an hour, and woke up feeling better.
I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, I am going to ask for blood tests for absolutely everything to make sure all my nutrients are in balance.
I'm thinking my Vitamin B12 might be low?
Weird symptom list: Headaches each morning Random nosebleeds Metallic taste in mouth when eating
At least the fever/chills, horrifically sore throat, and swollen lymph nodes seem to finally have cleared.
I am feeling more energetic today than I have for at least a week.
I'm hoping I will soon be able to get back to some exercise.
I never thought I would say this, but I am actually missing the gym a little.
This is getting harder and harder.
I am letting it control me.
But I will NOT let it win.
I won't listen.
I am going to be healthy.
I don't want be tired, miserable, starving.
I want to be energetic, vibrant, strong.
I had another day that was way too low-cal.
After yesterday's exhaustion and too low intake, I was determined to start today off better.
And I started fine; ate oatmeal with pumpkin and spices for breakfast. I snuck in a quarter of an apple because my tummy was rumbling and it wasn't snack time yet.
But a friend came over in the late morning/early afternoon with her 1 year old. I made the kids lunch and they gobbled it up. I asked her if she wanted anything and she declined.
Well, I couldn't eat in front of her if she wasn't eating!
It would have been rude, wouldn't it?
I seriously think this, it's not just my ED voice talking here.
They didn't leave until 1 pm, and I had to work at 2, so I had no real morning snack, had my lunch late, and had to pack an afternoon snack "to go" (read another apple) instead of having it before I left at home.
Totally messed up my food plans.
Tomorrow is another, better day.
I just have to remember why I want this. I want to love myself, to be comfortable with who I am. To be a positive person and role-model for my girls. I owe them that.
I want to blossom, from the little scared bud I am right now, into a beautiful flower that stretches out vines and leaves and petals in all directions, catching the light as I grow.
I want to be better than this.
I want to be stronger than this.
I want to beat ED.
Well, today I did not weigh in.
Part of me wanted to, but I shot that down.
Instead, I ended up sorting through my wardrobe and trying on a bunch of old (smaller) clothes.
Many of them fit, and many of them are summery, so will be handy now that the weather is finally warming up.
I am trying to tell myself that I did this to save money, so I don't have to buy more new stuff.
But I think I really know it was just that ED voice telling me what to do.
It worked. I feel better now that I know I am thinner.
And another note: I tried on some leggings.
I have never been into leggings, always thought my ass had too many bumps and fatty bulges to pull them off.
BUT HEY!
Them things looked damn good paired with heeled boots, a long-ish top, and a waist-cinching belt!
I may be able to pull off the look this spring! Only like 2 seasons too late, but whatever.
On another note:
Look what I did!
See ma! I grew my own Alfalfa Sprouts!
I made the sprouting jar myself and ordered the seeds online.
Got both alfalfa and broccoli seeds, but I haven't tried growing the broccoli seeds yet.
Can't wait to load them into my sandwich tomorrow!
Still sick, but determined to push through it.
How much longer can it really last, anyway?
The chills are killing my sleep, though.
The only way I can get rid of them is to get in the tub.
Hence 3 baths/day = very dry skin.
Felt a little better yesterday.
And it was sunny.
Went for a run in the morning.
I thought it would be difficult, given that I was sick and that it's my first run of they year.
(I am not one of those crazy people who run in the winter. I'm too uncoordinated. I'd fall on my ass.)
But I was pleasantly surprised. I ran the whole way up, turned around, walked for about a minute. Then ran all the way back down.
It took me weeks to get that good when I first started running it.
True; I didn't go very fast, but I don't do it to be fast. I do it to burn calories. ;)
Didn't sleep well last night, kept waking up every 2 hours from 2 am onward.
Felt awful again today.
Barely got through my shift at work. I was so cold internally that I was shaking.
Came home at 2:30, snuggled up under my covers with A, and promptly fell asleep.
Didn't wake up until 6, and then I was sweating.
Stupid fever.
I've called in sick for work tomorrow. Since I had such trouble with 6 hours, I don't know if I can do 7.
Hopefully I'll be better for Monday when I have to work again.
Sleeping in my own bed feels amazing.
My goal while visiting my family for 3 days and road-tripping for 2 was only to maintain; to continue to eat 6 meals per day and not to binge.
And I did it.
I weighed-in Thursday morning before we left. (just for comaparison's sake.) 118.8.
I weighed in this morning. 119.
I can hardly believe it.
The giddiness I feel is kinda stupid, actually.
I did eat Easter dinner, but skipped the turkey & ham, and unecessary carbs (mashed potatoes are kinda plain anyhow). I stuck to pureed squash & apple, a couple of baked yams, a little bit of stuffing that A rejected and somehow ended up on my plate, carrots & green beans, and a LOT of salad.
I had pumpkin pie for dessert - but I told my mom I was trying to cut down on my gluten intake, and would prefer to eat just the filling. My grandma has had a gluten intolerance forever, so we always make her a bowl of pumpkin pie filling. I ate about 3/4 cup of that. My dad has high cholesterol, so aside from all the added brown sugar, it was pretty well fat-free. :)
I also brought some of the pumpkin pie filling home to mix in with my oatmeal.
NOM. ;)
Weighed in this morning at 121.2 lbs.
Down a bit more from last week. I am starting to feel a bit better about how my body looks.
But I am also getting fatigued, and it is getting harder and harder to keep up the 6 meals/day.
My snacks keep getting less and less substantial.
They used to be nuts - then smoothies - then apples - now half an apple.
Maybe I should just reverse the trend and start going backwards? ;)
I was just perusing through my food diary (obsessive, no?) and realized that I have not binged since March 14.
That's almost 3 weeks!
*doing a happy dance in my head*
Went to a hatha yoga class tonight.
It wasn't a workout, per se, but I feel all nice and stretched out now.
I wish there were a power yoga class I could alternate this one with, so I felt like I was actually working.
But we'll see if I am sore tomorrow.
Getting nervous about the trip to visit my family.
There will be food. EVERYWHERE.
I am going with a meal plan in my head.
I plan on getting out of the house to avoid it if necessary.
I will go to the gym once during the trip.
I told my mom I didn't want her to come back and stay with me afterwards.
I was honest. I told her I was working on a new thing - eating 6 meals and trying to stop the binging and starving cycles that I have been trapped in for 3 years.
She didn't take it well.
I must hide my disorder better than I thought, since she thought I already had it all under control.
Not even close, mom. Not even close. People think I am recovered because I'm not 79 lbs. But at least then I felt good about myself.
Feeling dead tired today.
I woke up with a slight headache and really sore throat.
Took some Buckley's and drank some hot coffee and that seemed to help a little.
I'm going to post my intake today. It's a pretty average day - 3 meals & 2 snacks but still too low in calories. I am comfortable eating this, but the fatigue tells me it isn't enough.
Breakfast: Oatmeal Bowl (97) - 1 T cinnamon-raisin oatmeal packet - 3 T large flake oatmeal - 2 T applesauce - 2 strawberries - 6 raspberries - 3 blackberries Coffee & Skim Milk (15)
Lunch: Salmon Salad Wrap (208) - 3 T salmon salad made with miracle whip - 2 slices avocado (about an eight of an avocado, I'd guesstimate) - 1 leaf romaine lettuce - 1 small flour tortilla 1/2 apple (36) Coffee & Skim Milk (15)
Afternoon Snack: Green Smoothie (149) - 1/3 banana - 1/4 cup mango cubes - 6 pineapple chunks - 3/4 of a kiwi - 3 kale leaves - 1/4 cup almond milk
Dinner: Cauliflower & Kale Curry (127) 1/4 Cup Brown Rice (54)
Evening Snack: 1/2 apple (36) Green Tea (0)
Total: 740 calories
Not sure why I felt the need to put that all out there today, but there it is.
The curry I made for dinner was yummy to me, but the girls kinda rejected it. They aren't big fans of either cauliflower or kale, so I suppose I should have known.
I'm trying to use up all the veggies in the house before we go away to visit my mom for 4 days.
I have made some vegan overnight oats for breakfast tomorrow.
They are based on Angela's recipe, but I made up my own flavor - Apple Pie!
I'll post a recipe if it turns out well, but it smells pretty yummy even just mixing it all up!
It's the weekly weigh-in tomorrow.
I'm kinda excited, although I know I shouldn't be.
It shouldn't matter at all.
I am weighing in less - 2-3x per week, and only logging it every Monday.
I have turned down the scale's invitation twice this week.
I don't need him.
I wonder why it's automatically a him?
Today was tough, self-talk wise.
I missed my morning snack; although it was just half an apple anyway.
It set me up for worry the entire day - am I going to binge now? Have I screwed this up?
Took A to preschool, went shopping and spent too much on clothes that are just a little too tight.
I had to go buy XS yoga pants; I bought the S ones just over a month ago. They were tight when I bought them at 134 lbs, unwearable due to camel toe/pantyline issues. I just began wearing them around the house a few days ago, and now at 123 lbs they are too loose.
Bought a pair of denim capris (size 4) and some drawstring fleece capris (also XS).
It motivates me; makes me feel all happy inside.
Yet there is the voice: The store obviously tends toward bigger sizes. You are not an XS in any sense of the words.
I was feeling a little tired after that, very likely due to lack of food, so I skipped the gym while A was in preschool. Convinced myself that I couldn't be back in time before N was home, and I hadn't warned her I wouldn't be there when she got back from school. Also had a fleeting notion of running up to the preschool to pick up A. Luckily for me laziness won out there, as it started hailing when I drove up to the school.
After eating a black bean taco for dinner, I felt a little more energetic. (Well, duh! Really, you think I'd know this by now!) I had a babysitter in tonight so I could go to work for 1.5 useless hours. So I asked if she would stay a bit longer so I could go to the gym after. After work, even on the drive to the gym, I was trying to back out. Telling myself I did not eat enough today to fuel a workout. That I was going to head back down that slippery slope of restricting and start that cycle again. But in the end I changed lanes and headed for the gym.
I am still recognizing those ED thoughts. Today I think they may have gotten the best of me, but tomorrow I will put them in their place again. Jerks.
I am trying harder than ever to recover.
It doesn't sound like much, but I have eaten 3 meals and 2 snacks every day for the past week.
My calories remain too low.
I am weighing myself less. Every 3 days; as opposed to every morning.
I am still losing some weight.
I have not binged, although I have eaten some things that I thought would for sure be the trigger.
I officially ended my marriage.
It was basically over anyhow.
I realized that in order to make myself better, I need to leave the past behind.
He was dragging me down and pulling me back.
I am ready to move forward.
I still want to be thin.
I still have ED thoughts.
But I have begun to notice them more.
And I believe I am beginning to tell them to go the fuck away.
You are in here anyway, so you may as well weigh yourself now. No, actually, I really don't want to, or need to today. I will on Monday.
You don't need to eat right now. If you skip your snack, you will get skinny faster! Actually, I'm feeling a little bit hungry, so I'm going to have an apple. An apple is not going to make me fat, but it will fill me up a little so I don't binge later.
It's a start.
On a funnier note, I found this song from way back when in my teen years.
It still makes me giggle!
New job is mind-numbing. Easy, but hard to stay focused on bubbling in all the numbers on scantron sheets. No wonder it is only done for 2 weeks.
The most difficult part for me is getting up in the morning.
But I am walking there everyday, as I would have to pay for parking, so that helps wake me up.
Haven't had time to exercise, but I will be going to the gym tomorrow while A is at preschool. N is excited, she is planning on coming swimming while I am in the gym.
Almost back down to my pre-binge weight from 2 weeks ago. And I haven't been exercising and have been trying to listen to my stomach and eat when it tells me I am hungry.
I'm still not taking in adequate calories, but I am taking things one step at a time.
Tonight I finished A's chocolate chip muffin that she made (one of Katie's Single-Lady Cupcakes!), she somehow ate about a quarter of it and said she was full.
It hasn't led to a binge so I am pleased with myself.
I still feel fat as hell, but I want to feel like I'm working toward changing that by eating healthier and having a more balanced lifestyle.
The binging/starving cycle is stupid and immature.
If only it were easy to stop.
On another note, N is actually helping me with the healthy thing - she says she wants to eat healthier, too. So she hasn't been hounding me for junk food lately, and has been eating things like *gasp* apples & unsalted cashews as snacks.
I'm glad she realizes that healthy food is important, and that it is helping me during this really brutal transition time, but I also worry. She isn't developing an eating disorder, is she?
She is so young. And so skinny. She has no weight to lose.
Today she went to the pool and came home with a Mountain Dew, though. She bought it with her own money, which is fine. "One Mountain Dew once in a while as a treat won't hurt you." I said. "But having pop every day isn't healthy. Look at your dad and what it's done to his teeth."
Referring to the fact that all the enamel has eroded off his teeth. Cost to fix > $10K.
So she still has junk. And doesn't seem to feel any guilt over it.
But she is also loving healthy fruit smoothies and banana "ice cream".
Perhaps this is the balance that I need to find...
I am still alive, still doing relatively okay.
Trying to stick to a meal plan & eat 3 meals/day & snacks when hungry. 1200 calories.
So far I am finding it difficult to get that much in, but I think my effort is better than in the past.
The next 2 weeks will be nuts. I start a 2 week temp job tomorrow, andwill still be working my 2 other casual positions.
Therefore, you may not hear from me for awhile.
I will post more when I have a chance.
PS: Miranda, my green onions are really tall now! You should grow some!
110 lbs or bust.
My mind is so messed up right now.
I wanted to make this more of a foodie blog and less of an ED blog.
Or not.
intake: 345 cals output: 360 cals
Dinner tonight was a low-cal flop. I tried this carrot-miso soup.
We like butternut squash soup a lot around here (and I have had an okay reaction to carrot soups), and we also are a little obsessed with all things sushi/Japanese, including miso soup.
So why not combine them?
Sounds good in theory.
Well, I cut down the amount of miso in the recipe, but it was still WAY too salty/miso-flavored.
I won't be making this one again. Both the girls went to bed because they didn't want to eat it.
I finished my serving, but only because it was 80 calories that I was REALLY needing to consume today.
Served it alongside kale chips (which I can now cook perfectly without burning!) and roasted cauliflower, which was not as crispy and crunchy as I was hoping for.
Really, I kinda failed at the cooking thing today.
I did however, completely abstain from the pizza served at lunchtime.
And drank black coffee instead.
Went ice skating for a little bit, but I'm not very good at it.
Most of the time was spent pushing A around with the metal bar skate-aid. She gave up pretty quickly, too.
I'd guess about 20 minutes skating in total? I'm counting it as exercise, but I didn't work up a sweat.
Did the 30DS L1, followed by 38 min wiiFit exercises (apparently burning 108 cal, I find this hard to believe).
Now I am hitting my bed hard and hoping to sleep in a little in the morning.
My ipod died. :(
I went to turn it on at the gym last night, and nothing happened. I thought that was weird, considering it had over half it's battery life left earlier in the day. But I figured I had accidentally left it running so it had died.
But I got home and plugged it into the charger, and nothing happened. Won't even start charging.
So, I had to buy new running shoes & a new ipod in one week. Down another $128.
This fitness business is expensive...
Just got a little ipod nano, that has a clip so I can clip it to the outside of my workout gear. My old one was slightly bigger, those tall thin ones that are now out of rotation, but had no clip, so I was always tucking it into the waistband of my pants. It would get all nasty and sweat-covered while I was working out.
I always figured that couldn't be too good for it.
Worked skating today, then a birthday party. I was worried that the mom was not too impressed with my party management skills (who invites 21 kids to a party?!) - she kept coming over and asking what we were going to do next, and mentioning that she thought some of the kids were getting bored, and maybe it was time for an activity change.
Then afterwards she told me what a great job I had done, and gave me an extra $10?
Strange, but I won't complain. Helps with paying the babysitter.
I have felt so tired today. I got up, lazed around, and was irritable all morning.
Got my ass in gear to go to work, then came home and was grouchy again.
I planned to do the 30 day shred again, but I can't find the energy.
I think I'll just take today as a rest day.
N seems to be feeling better.
She still rested all day until about 3pm, then got up and started actually moving. She was well enough to go to a bowling party tonight, and she just got home and into bed about 15 minutes ago.
I'm glad she's recovering, I still think it's a little weird for her to go about randomly fainting.
Hopefully no more, or we'll have to get blood tests done.
Sunday school party at the church tomorrow - they are serving pizza for the kids for lunch.
Pizza and I do not have a good relationship.
If I trusted myself to eat a single slice of pizza without it triggering a massive binge, I wouldn't worry. Unfortunately, I have no such faith in my will power. So I can't/won't eat any pizza. "Gluten-free" diet.
They will probably have a veggie tray too. I'll fill my plate with those.
I can't screw this up now, I am just starting to see some results.
I'll post my current weigh-in on Monday, and note the difference.
How I love that it is dropping; how I hate that I know it isn't right. Isn't healthy or proper.
I wonder how people would think of me if the saw me as a skeleton? As I was before? Would they still want me running birthday parties? What kind of role model would I be then?
At my lowest weight it was in the summertime, so I wasn't seen by people at the school; and I wasn't working so many places, so I didn't get seem by as many people. But the people that saw me noticed - although they never mentioned anything then.
I wanted to post a pic for you, of me at my lowest. You could see my ribcage. I look back and find it disgusting, but yet I would go there all over again. I can't find the pic. I may have gotten rid of them all.
That's the sickness of it, I suppose. The disorder.
And you know, my kids are tiny. Tonight, as N was getting into bed, I saw the same bones.
The same ribcage. She is so skinny.
And the irrational, disordered part of me is SO jealous. Of my daughter. Of a pre-pubescent 10 year-old.
When I was skinny we could share clothes. She borrows some of the things I wore then.
Because you know I won't throw them away.
Anyhow, I am hoping to sneak off and pretend I need to go grocery shopping during lunch, and then meet them for ice skating later. I have to go because at 3, A is the youngest kid and kinda needs parental supervision.
Well, had a busy-ish day today. A day I almost would have regretted. I almost binged. ALMOST.
I woke up this morning, really sluggish. Slept until 8 am, then had to get up because N wanted me to fix her french braids. I did my best, but I am not an expert in these things. I never liked braids in my hair as a kid, my mom pulled too hard.
Finally got A off to preschool (like I mentioned, she is NOT a morning person). She said she would rather go back to bed and sleep, but I made her go. I have put her in the morning preschool starting in September for 4 days a week, so she'll need to get used to this! I really prefer to have my "alone-time" in the morning as opposed to the afternoon, since then N is in school the whole time as well, and it is all mine.
Then I headed to the gym, got on the elliptical and started my workout. Still rather exhausted, but determined, as I know I always feel better afterwards. I think I got going for about 1 1/2 minutes before the cashier comes into the gym and tells me that the school called. N has almost passed out.
I did a double-take. Wait a minute, N?!
I'm not surprised by having to pick up A at preschool, that happens often, but I NEVER have to go get N. And she almost passed out?! Her teacher caught her before she fell?
Well, as you can imagine, that was the end of that workout session.
I went to get my poor sick baby. She was really looking pale, but was able to walk/talk/function fine. She didn't know what was wrong, but still felt pretty unwell. I suggested maybe she didn't eat enough breakfast this morning (I think it was only rice krispies, but like I said, I slept in), and her blood sugar was low - maybe she needed some sugar to help her feel better.
She thought this was a great idea, and I had to point out that I meant healthy-ish sugars.
So we went to a coffee shop and got her a muffin and some apple juice. We just sat there for awhile, I thought it might be good for her to have some alone time with me, even if it is small. We don't get that too much anymore.
I asked her if there was anything she was worried about, that sometimes stress or being upset can cause your body to faint, and she said no. I still can't help but worry.
Anyhow, we got home around 11 and she spent the rest of the afternoon in bed and on the couch, reading books, playing on her ipod, and drifting in and out of sleep. Not too healthy looking.
I made the girls English muffin pizzas for lunch: half an english muffin for each of them, with tomato sauce & cheese, broiled for a couple seconds. Not a huge hit, they both only ate half of the "halves".
And I did it. I ate the other quarters.
I ate half an English muffin with frickin' cheese on it!
Hence my last post.
The eating of the muffin itself was not all that bad, it's the binge that it may (and usually does) trigger. I suppose because it was not a part of the day's food plan and it was not one of my safe foods.
I didn't see your comment until later Claire, but I did distact myself. I did a round of the 30 Day Shred, then tested out my new Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum game for the wii. By the time I was done, I had to shower, pick up the babysitter, and go to work at 4.
This sounds dumb, but I'm really proud of myself for warding off the binge. I know I am not eating properly right now, but a binge would not help the situation. It would only make it worse. Make me feel worse.
I am not pleased with what I did to counteract the English muffin incident, though. I planned to take some leftover Tabbouleh to work to eat for dinner. But it was 278 calories. So I took leftover Lentil Dal instead. It was 77 calories. I felt the need to restrict due to the so-called indulgence earlier. That is so unreasonable and so abnormal. Shite.
And I also finished my shift (I actually work at the gym, I'm a cashier) and went into the gym just before we close up (I finish at 8:45, gym closes at 9 but I can stay in a bit longer). Did the elliptical I missed earlier, and went for longer, 25 minutes vs 23. Burned 230 calories.
Also, there was the exercise I did earlier to prevent binging, about 220 calories.
I think that made up for half and English muffin and some cheese.
I hate that I am so unreasonable.
But I just want to be thinner.
Today was somewhat eventful.
I went to a meeting for work early in the morning, 8:30am. Too early. Almost had to stay home - let's just say my little brat child (did I say I loved this girl a few posts ago?) is NOT a morning person -and I had to send her back to bed for about 20 minutes until she calmed down.
Luckily she decided it wasn't worth missing out on a playdate at her friends' place, and told me she was "ready to be nice now, not cranky."
Meeting was pretty useless and boring as all hell. What a waste of 2.5 hours. Good thing I got paid.
Then we went out to the mall, as I desperately need some new running shoes.
I decided this after Zumba last night, when I was slipping all over the floor and almost did a couple of face plants. Same problem at my boot camp class. Push-ups are really hard when your toes keep slipping out from under you. At least, that's been my excuse.
So I got some new Asics.
$123 poorer. :S
They feel comfy, I tried them out tonight at boot camp. No blisters so far.
I remember the first walk I took with my old runners - tore all the skin off my heels so badly I was in pain for over a week. It was honestly excruciating. And after 4 years, they still do it when I wear the wrong socks. Cheap ones. Definitely time for an upgade.
For $123 these ones had better be less painful.
Also bought this to brighten up my kitchen. :D
Apple Sink Mat
I am obsessed with apples these days.
I have apple snack bags, sandwich wraps, and I eat them as a snack whenever I am feeling hungry.
Next I am going to dry apple rings in the oven. I made banana chips this way, and they are pretty yummy. My Babe likes to nibble them right up.
Got home with a message saying I am being offered a temporary position counting mail at the post office. This will last for 2 weeks, 3 hours a day, Mon-Fri.
I'm thankful for the extra income, but really not looking forward to the extra work.
Didn't do much extravagent in the way of cooking tonight, it was a leftover night.
How we end up with so many leftovers is beyond me. Oh wait, maybe it's because my kids are fussy and I don't eat...
I did experiment with a muffin, though. I halved this recipe and made it in a small ramekin using 2 T egg whites in place of a whole egg, and margarine in place of coconut oil. I also have a slight aversion to stevia, so I added a tiny bit of agave instead.
It turned out okay, it did puff up and did slip out of the ramekin easily. It makes me smile when things don't stick! It wasn't very sweet though, so I think next time I will add about 1/3 of a stevia packet instead of the agave (less calories, too). And I will also use 1 T flax seed & 1 T whole wheat flour, as the texture was just a bit too grainy for me, who is obviously a recovering processed carb addict.
It ended up costing me 100 calories, which I suppose isn't bad. I'm hoping the flax may also help keep things moving, if you know what I mean... ;)
Remember how about a week ago I said I exercised like a madwoman?
Well, I outdid myself today.
Hit the gym this afternoon while A was in preschool. 23 min elliptical (-200 cal) and about 45 min weights/strength.
I focused on my back/butt/abs, since my lower back hasn't been feeling very strong lately, and it's packing around some extra doughy bits back there.
I did go easy on myself though, and didn't do a full-body workout, since a couple friends and I were planning on going to Zumba tonight. I had a babysitter lined up and everything. Then... they BAILED!
Well, I wasn't about to cancel the sitter so I went anyhow. Probably better actually, as I was less self-conscious. Secretly, I love Zumba.
You should know that I am the worst dancer on the planet, but Zumba lets me wiggle my bum along with a bunch of other people and not feel too ridiculous about it. I am actually getting a little better at the footwork, too!
So my back feels like it got the workout it needed this week. =)
My dinner today was a bit of a fail.
I attempted to make this:
Well, apparently you need a mandolin slicer-thingy to get all the sweet potato slices an even thickness, because mine burnt where they were thinner.
No biggie, I planned to just cut those parts off. But somehow pretty much ALL the chips ended up blackened beyond recognition. They are now sitting in my compost bucket. I salvaged about 8 chips that were edible and used them for myself.
Then I served the girls' tortillas to fill instead of nachos. I don't think they minded too much, not entirely sure they were keen on the sweet potato nacho idea, anyhow.
Mine tasted great topped with yogurt, salsa, black beans & corn, tomato chunks, red onion, red peppers, and a tiny bit of avocado.
I will try this again when I get the slicer I've ordered from epicure. It's on backorder, apparently. Everyone wants healthy potato chips.
I have ordered the slicer & chipster. Online shopping... You will be the death of me.
I also made some chocolate-avocado pudding.
Haven't tried it yet - I just calculated the calorie content, and it is HIGH. 178 calories/serving. Because of the 355 calories for one avocado. Healthy, but still fat.
I plan to have 1/2 a serving tomorrow to test it out, but from the licks I had of my fingers, it is very rich, and I may even need to cut down on the cocoa powder next time. Or add more sweetener.
I'll post a recipe once I have it perfected enough that the kids will eat it.
Of course, I won't mention the avocado part, they both hate avocados.
I went totally non-vegetarian tonight and made salmon for dinner. Fish is one of the few protein sources/substantial food items that my little one likes, so we have to have it every once in a while. Besides, the omega-3's will make her smarter. Although I'm not sure that girl needs any more smarts - she's rather cunning at times.
I made up my own recipe: seasoned the salmon with only pepper and grilled it on my George Foreman grill. Then mixed artichoke hearts, steamed spinach, a little miracle whip, and pepper in the food processor until blended, and stirred in some feta cheese. Microwaved it for 2 minutes. Voila! ;)
Salmon with Spinach Artichoke Dip
Served with green beans and spinach salad.
Also added some rice for the girls, but I skipped out on that, as I am definitely not in need of meaningless carbs.
I have returned to losses as opposed to gains, but I am trying to look past the numbers and focus on my energy levels.
And to be honest, they haven't been outstanding.
I probably should eat more.
I know this in my heart.
I leave you with my favorite song ever.
It has been known to bring tears to my eyes.
I am still going to marry this man someday.
I have wanted him since I was 15.
Seen him in concert 5 times, met him once, and could not utter a word.
The last time I saw him was a year ago. And you know what I remember? I weighed 118lbs. And I was so upset. I had promised myself I would be 110 by the time of the concert. I felt so fucking fat. So I drank and danced and sang andpretended like I didn't feel like a whale, and likely looked like a damn fool in the front row.
I think I was the only one who knew all the words to every song.
I gained after the cake.
127.4 to 128.
It's an insignificant amount. It means nothing. I shouldn't care. Tell me not to care.
If you are following my blog, please leave me a comment and let me know.
Blogger is still fucked up and won't let me see my followers. Always comes up as a blank page.
But apparently there are 7 of you! I want to make sure I am following you in return. ;)
Made the Red Lentil Dal from THH tonight.
It was okay, I thought it was a little bland, but the biggest kid, N, really liked it. Said it ranked up there with her favorite meals of all time (Pizza, Perogies, Tacos, Butternut Squash Soup). Then said "Wait, this doesn't have meat in it? I thought there was meat in it!"
Silly girl.
The only issue I had was that once I added the lentils & broth to my pot, it stuck to the bottom and I had to scrape it up and off with my wooden spoon as it was cooking. Maybe I had it on too high heat? It didn't really have much effect on the taste though, and it did scrape off easily enough that I wasn't scraping burnt crap off the bottom of my pot when I was washing it out after.
But weird - I rarely burn stuff!
Random Question:
I just noticed today that we (the girls & I - but the kids only due to the fact that I set the table - so I guess only I) always eat with dessert forks. I was washing out my cutlery holder yesterday and took out all the regular dinner forks, and they just looked so huge and awkward! We only use them if all the little forks are sitting dirty in the dishwasher. Anyone else eat with dessert forks?
I also use the small spoons for everything except soups, and smaller plates for meals. I use the Corelle dishware (hey, we can drop them and they don't break! We are a little accident prone around here...), and use the middle-sized salad plates that are 8 1/2 inches in diameter.
My Dishware. I know it's tacky but I love it. <3
I actually had to go and buy more of them because they too were always sitting dirty in the dishwasher and we were running out.
...and now I am thinking that I need more matching mugs. I only have 4. I want order 4 more light green ones. The online shopping addiction rears it's ugly head again. :(
Today was pretty average. Trying to eat healthy. TRYING to eat when my stomach is gurgling.
But I am still counting calories and they are still coming in too low.
Today I ran 2 parties. The first one forced cake on me. Literally handed me a piece and said: "Here, you'd better eat this."
Like seriously. Do I LOOK like I need cake. Doubtful.
Next time I have a plan. I can't eat gluten. NEW SUREFIRE EXCUSE. I can't believe I didn't think of it before.
I didn't do much exciting in the way of food/cooking today. There was a sleepover at our house last night, so I made the girls waffles for breakfast. I always make a half batch so that we'll only have 4 or 5 waffles, and the kids finished those all off. I usually freeze leftover waffles and then they become "toaster waffles" for later. If I can refrain from ingesting the bugger, of course.
Then they had good old KD for lunch, which I detest and do not find the least bit tempting.
I did fruit and yogurt for breakfast and half of a quick avocado-veggie sandwich for lunch. I was feeling a little hungry before the 1st party and wanted to up my energy so I could keep up with the little twerps.
Then the cake. :S
Then ran home (well, walked home. Didn't actually literally run, being the lazy beast that I am), grabbed more coffee. Walked back for the next party. Cake-free. ;)
Home again, cleaned up the ginormous mess the girls made in my absence, and dragged them off to subway. Kid's meal veggie delight sandwich with no cheese and Sweet Onion sauce (I seriously ADORE that stuff).
So I am sitting at about 800 calories for today. No exercise so to speak, other than shoveling snow for 20 mins this morning, and running around playing "What Time is it Mr Wolf?" with party kids. Hardly counts.
I am feeling a little hungry now, though. I might have an apple and some green tea before I crash.
I added red bell peppers to the chickpeas as well as mixed some pineapple juice into the teriyaki sauce. I omitted the both the sugar and the hot sauce (no go when feeding the kiddos, and I tossed mine out as I found it moldy in the fridge last week.)
I made my own mango-pineapple salsa to go on top. I didn't have any cilantro - I refuse to pay $1.99 for a little packet of fresh herbs at the grocery store. I can't wait for spring/summer when I'll have fresh herbs in my garden again for free!
I would make this dish again, it was quite flavorful, and both my girls like teriyaki, so it went over okay with them. I asked the littlest one to stir the chickpeas and teriyaki sauce together before we starting heating it up, and she kept licking the sauce off the wooden spoon.
Here she is helping make freezer meals. <3
I love my babes. :)
That's all for now, no deep realizations to share today. I'll try for tomorrow.
Exercised like a madwoman yesterday.Well, actually, probably not really - but it was lots for my lazy standards.
1 hour boot camp weight training class, 23 minutes elliptical, 23 minutes treadmill walking on an incline.
I had a thought. Perhaps a revelation in my own mind.
I want to be a stay-at-home mom, I've known that for a long time, since baby #2 was born. Unfortunately that hasn't happened due to financial and the resulting marital difficulties.
The revelation is: I always want to do things right. I want to put 100% of my time and effort into whatever I am doing/working on.
And I think why I am so unhappy with some of my circumstances right now is that I am NOT putting 100% effort into anything.
I am a cashier at the pool and at the Skating Arena. Not a lot of effort required. I just do my job and what I am told.
I run some children's programs and birthday parties for City Rec. Which I put some effort into, but I am often feeling so exhausted that I am not energetic enough to feel that I am doing my best. I am a mother/housekeeper/cook.
I do everything part-time, including stay at home. I just want to do something full-time. I want to be devoted to something.
I feel that if I were able to stay at home, I could put 100% of my effort into the last one, which I see as the most important. I want to be there if the kids need me. I want to prepare wholesome, healthy snacks and meals for the kids (and a husband, but I guess that isn't absolutely necessary...). I want to keep my house tidy and feel like I am doing the best I can at home.
Right now, home care is getting about 40% of my effort. I am just too tired/busy to care. I don't like it this way. :( I want to do the best job I can. Perhaps this isn't a big deal and seems trivial; but for this to come into my head; I just thought "Wow, it's kind of in your nature to do your best, and right now you are not."
Anyhow...
Managed to eat well. Not a lot, probably too little, but healthy things.
Here was my lunchtime experiment:
Egg baked in an avocado.
I overcooked it though, my yolk was all set. I like them a little runny. And it was a bugger to get the cooked on egg off the ramekin. Actually, after being first handwashed and then dishwashed, it's still sitting in my sink with a couple crusties on it. :S
I'm not a huge egg fan, so I don't think I'll make this again. It took too long to cook, had extra calories (albeit healthy ones) from the avocado, and was a pain to clean up after.
I'll just stick to a fried egg on a piece of toast.
Trying a new recipe from the Happy Herbivore cookbook tonight. :) We'll see how that goes.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I know I am the worst blogger on the planet.
It was Valentine's day. There was chocolate in the house. Needless say it is here no longer. :S
Hubby came to stay for a couple days. I gained the weight back. All of it.
133 lbs.
I am really wanting to focus on eating healthy.
Not skipping meals, not restricting, not taking my rumbling tummy to mean "good job! you're starving!"
I want to have the energy to go to the gym and work out regularly.
I want to stop all the stressing, the craving, the binging.
I am really going to try. Really.
I'm tired of hating myself. Of feeling like a failure. Of the whole entire cycle.
It's time to stop it all now.
I'll keep you posted, and will try to blog about my healthy meals.
I want to be an inspiration, not another story of loss and gain.
2 good days. The baking went well - the cookies are hiding in the cupboard out of my view, ready to be delivered tomorrow. I let the girls taste-test them. I trust their judgement. ;)
I was so exhausted this morning, I really didn't think I would have the energy to do any substantial exercise. But I packed up my gym crap and dragged myself there after A went to preschool. I promised myself that I would do 20 min on the elliptical, and then I could leave. Well, I did the 20 minutes, and felt better after that, so I finished my full-body workout. Nerdy as it sounds, I am so proud of me!
I'm worried about tomorrow and the valentine's tea. There will be treats and goodies. I will chew gum. I will drink black coffee. That is all.
Wow. I was so tired last night, my head was literally buzzing. And my legs, but I think that was from the gym. I crashed at about 8 pm and woke up periodically throughout the night, but ultimately didn;t really get up until 9:30 this morning. That's 13.5 hours.
First of all, I want to shout out to AVY and her blog, My Mother Fucked Mick Jagger (I wonder if that's the truth, Avy?) She has a GORGEOUS jacket that she is giving away to one lucky reader. I'm hoping it'll be me. ;)
Honestly, I have never had a jacket quite so stylish as this one. It's French Connection. Bought in Paris! Admittedly, I am much to cheap to buy anything that awesome. I find it very hard to justify. But this jacket, is a size 10 UK. I looked that up, and while it would totally fit me right now (at size 6 US), it will look even better after another 15 lbs are gone. I have been working SO hard to lose the weight, but after binges it just keeps coming back. Currently I am down 7 lbs, and I just feel like this is it. It is working. I am cutting out most meat and leaning heavily toward vegetarian/veganism. I am going to 2 weekly fitness classes, and going to the gym 2x / week. I am reminding myself that this is a lifestyle change. That I need to do this to feel good about myself, for myself.
So there's my motivation, Avy. Myself. To look good and feel even better. I remember how I felt when I was tiny. When I could be blown away with the wind. And a part of me wants it back. I deserve to be happy. We all do.
Made Veggie Lo Mein from EHH last night. No pic - I was in a huge rush yesterday, trying to pick A up from preschool, get home, make dinner, and then go to work. It's a miracle dinner even got made at all - the frozen pizza in the freezer was beckoning. But I did make it and it was yummy. And this time I even went completely vegan and didn't sneak in yogurt or anything. ;) Loved the spicy kick added by the cayenne flakes added.
Today will be a big test. I have to bake. Valentines bake sale at church, and N and her friend want to bake up a storm. And I have promised to make these:
For both N and A's classes. So, like 35 of them. I will NOT EAT ANY.
I will post pics of my misadventures, hopefully you will not see any cookie batter smeared across my face.
I started off pretty miserable this morning. That tired, unenergetic, can barely drag yourself out of bed tired. You know, the kind of fatigue you get from not feeding yourself enough.
I had a bowl of oatmeal with some applesauce, rhubarb, and cinnamon, and I perked up immensely. Still stayed home all morning and played on Pinterest, though. It's my new obsession. I was just surfing it now and came across these dresses on modcloth:
What do you think? I am not a fashionista, that's for sure, but my friend is getting married in August (it will be a scorchingly hot outdoor wedding, most likely), and I will need something to wear. I am hoping to weigh 112 lbs or less by then.
Took my babe (well, she's 3 actually, but always my babe!) grocery shopping this afternoon; we went to a different store than we usually do because I wanted to go to the Dollarama store out that direction. There's only 3 grocery stores to choose from in this town, you know. So I was shopping around, and I found KALE!
Now, I haven't ever seen it in the store I usually shop at. I was so excited, because I've just been reading about the awesomeness of KALE CHIPS. Needless say, it was put in that cart pronto!
Tried the Kale chips with dinner. Forgot to take a pic (who woulda thunk?), but I think I overcooked them a little, because they tasted kinda smoky and charred. They were still edible, but not a good thing, really. I also sprinkled them with salt and pepper before baking, and I think the salt was too much. I never put salt in/on anything, but I was trying to keep with the whole "like a potato chip" idea. Next time I won't, I'll just use pepper and maybe some other spices. Lemon pepper might be good on them. And I'll cook them less... I plan on trying them out again tomorrow night. ;) Their crispyness was unlike anything I've ever tasted before - they almost shattered and melted in my mouth. I really liked that part about them.
Went to my ab strengthening class tonight. I don't know, I didn't sweat much and didn't feel like I was working all that hard. But I did complete pretty much all the exercises we were doing - I wasn't wimping out. I worry that my body is preventing me from exerting myself too much because of all the restriction I'm doing.
Gym day tomorrow, I have to do a full 90 minute strength workout. I have been too slack lately.
Feeling instensely fat these days. Looking at old pictures and feeling miserable. WHY can't I just stay at my "happy" weight? Really, is 105 lbs to much to ask?
Tonight's non-vegan dinner: Coconut Chicken Curry
Again, I forgot to take a picture before calling the girls up to eat. This was pretty good, thrown together with random things found in my fridge. I started out planning to follow a recipe, but then realized I didn't have any coconut milk. So I improvised.
Ended up putting in chicken, carrots, green pepper, onion, chicken stock, almond milk, thai green curry paste, dried shredded coconut, and golden raisins. Thickened it with a little corntarch at the end, and mixed in a little lime juice before serving with rice.
I would have gone a little spicier, but I used up all the jalapeno yesterday. Besides, I'm the only one in my house who is a spice fiend.
Here's my latest time-wasting pastime: making finger puppets. I am coming up with my own patterns and designs.
I love the little pig. He's my favorite. I also have a monkey that is absolutely adorable, but no pic yet - I have to make 4 more to have 5 little monkeys!
