Get your little fine ass on the step, shimmy up inside

Tiny Heather.
Little Heather.
The petite girl with dark hair.

How can you not keep going when you hear that?
How can you not want to lose more?

"You look skinnier every time I see you! Do you ever eat?!"

I love it, but I still hate myself.

I am no superman

Ate too much today.
I did not binge, just consumed too much. 1038 cals, after a week of 400-600 calorie days.
I am so tired; from a combination of lack of food, 11 hour work days (yay for overtime pay though!), and overexercise.
I know I am hurting myself, but the weight is coming off, and it feels amazing.
I meant to go running tonight, but I fell asleep on the couch instead.
I am having a hard time getting to sleep at night, but I can crash very quickly immediately after I get off work at 5pm.

I made an eHarmony profile.
Sucks that you have to pay to see pictures.
And that I am so cheap.
I don't even know why or what I want from it.

Just a little bit

11.6 lbs lost in 1 month.
That's 2.9 lbs per week.
Not completely unhealthy, right?
I'll just keep on telling myself that.

I swear to you, I'll never eat again.

Today I got the first comment about my most recent weight loss.
"You look great, you know! You've lost a lot of weight!"
Funny, I've only actually lost 10 lbs.
10 more to go; halfway there.
After that, who knows, really?

Weigh-in day is tomorrow. I don't think the drop this week is very significant.
I went out twice this weekend; dinner on Saturday with the bf (veggie sandwich & salad) followed by about 4 alcoholic beverages. :S
I love getting hammered but I hate the calories it involves. Good thing I'm too broke to do it very often.

Then on Sunday we went out to a nearby town to watch a friend run a triathlon (crazy, right? I wish I could do one!), and met up with her and her family for lunch (veggie/humus pita with fries, and a small raw coconut chocolate square).
I was expecting a huge gain, so I went to the gym Sunday night and worked out pretty hard. Did a full body workout and some cardio on the elliptical.
Woke up Monday morning to a loss!
I've gained since then but nothing significant, and I just got home from another workout; an abs focused day.
It had better hurt tomorrow.

I'm also somewhat concerned that my bf is watching my food.
We do not live together; I like my privacy and my space, and we both work a lot, him often out of town, so we go for a week or 2 without seeing each other. But then will spend an entire day or weekend together; just hanging out.
That was the case this weekend. I went over to his place Friday night, slept over there, hung out all day on Saturday doing grocery shopping/errands and other than that pretty much nothing, then we went out for dinner and came back to my place where we proceeded to drink.
We woke up pretty early on Sunday and went to that tri, walked all around the town being tourists. Got home and I tried to convince him to come to the gym with me (but I know he hates it), so I went myself and came back to his place about 2 hours later.
Hung out watching TV, and then he starts nomming on cookies and says:
"You must be hungry, you didn't eat much today AND you went to the gym."
My reply is my usual; if I eat right after a workout I feel sick to my stomach. My stomach gives me a lot of problems these days. ;)

I recently showed him pictures of me when I was at my sickest point.
I know he thinks anorexics are unattractive, we've joked about it before.
He also knew I was anorexic before, but he didn't know me then, and I kinda glazed over how bad it was.
I think he was a bit shocked by them; he said my arms were gross, just bones with skin stretched over them.
Good thing the picture of my protruding ribs accidentally got deleted.
It was terrible but gorgeous all at the same time.
I told him that my mind and body had been very sick, and that I can see it was gross and unhealthy now; but I admitted that I still hate myself, that I still want to be thin, and that I would do it all over again.
I told him that I know that I can't go there again; I need to be here for my kids and I have to live my life, not just exist like a walking talking zombie.
I told him I understand that it is a lot to deal with in a relationship, and that I don't expect anyone to have to deal with my problems except myself.
I gave him opportunity to run.
He didn't.

This was an essay, I know.
Nothing exciting in my world really except that I am still losing weight and I still haven't binged.
We are coming up on week number 5 here folks; I think this might be a record.
I know I am restricting though, and over-exercising considering my low calorie intake.
I don't want it to come back and bite me in the ass in the form of a giant month-long binge.

Random thought:
My hipbones keep stabbing my arms as I type this on my laptop.
Skinny girl problems?
I'll take 'em!

An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist.

I measured. :(
So depressing. So not good enough.

Waist: 28
Hips: 35.5
Bust: 33.5
Butt: 36.5
Thigh 21.5

Last time I measured, in September 2013, they were all 1-2 inches smaller.
That was when I was 108 lbs.

On a brighter note, I have lost weight.
I have not binged for 3 weeks.
I took the girls camping over the weekend. The bf came along. And still no binging.
Actually, there was very little eating happening at all.

However, I'm pretty exhausted and have little spare energy.
Trying to muster up the motivation to go to my abs class in an hour.

All your weight, it falls on me

My 12 1/2 year old daughter now weighs more than I weighed at 24 years old.
She's 77 lbs; I was 76.

I'm jealous and I want my tiny, sick body back.
I am so screwed up.

I am humanity

I only want 2 things:

To be there for my kids and to raise them healthy & happy, and to be thin.

I am failing at both.

Don't close your eyes...

... they may not open.

My ex husband died.
One month ago.
He killed himself.
I still find it hard to believe that he actually went through with it.
I never thought he had the courage.
Just before father's day, and our kid has no father.

I have been dealing with the aftermath.
Our youngest daughter and I went to the viewing of his body.
I have been taking her to counselling sessions (she is 5)
I have been going to my own counselling sessions.
Wanting to die; wanting to be thin; hating myself
But knowing life is so much more than that, so hating myself even more for thinking of it at all.

Trying to deal with his family, although they blame me.
Dealing with the legal stuff regarding child custody and trying to decide what will happen to our old house.
I may try to buy it out and live there; although there are a lot of memories.
It will be harder now that he died there.

Sometimes I hope he is at peace; other times I hope he can see how hard he has made it for me and for his daughter.
There were times I hated him, but never imagined this would really be the end of it all.
And I did love him once.

Hug your family.
You just never know.

Blimp

I got fat.
I spent thousands of dollars on a tummy tuck and I GOT FAT.

Last post I was 109.2.
How amazing.
Gained like 20 lbs.

Gotta get it off me.
Somehow.