If you could only see...

Well, it was Monday yesterday.
Measurement Monday.
109.2

Also did various body measurements. They are on the smaller side.
Waist: 27
Hips: 34
Bust: 32
Thigh: 19

Of course although the measurements seem okay, my body is completely ugly.
I was talking about this yesterday with my counsellor; how no matter what my body size is I will hate it and find something that needs "fixing".
I know I will never be happy with it.
That doesn't however, make me stop trying to improve it.
There's always room for improvement, and every little bit helps.

I hate my hips, my butt, thighs, & bat-wing arms.
I just want them all to disappear.
I want smaller boobs.
I look at my (70 lb)11 year-old daughter, and although I realize it is sick and disturbing, I am struck with revulsion because I am so jealous.
I want a body like that.

I know I'm getting worse and worse but I don't have the motivation, will-power, or knowledge to pull myself out of it.

Fuck, if I were only normal.

10 days

It's been 10 days since I last posted anything.
The binge came. It was EXTREME.
I ate a mozza burger for the first time in about 7 years. It tasted like cardboard. I ate it anyway.
I ate pepperoni & sausage pizza left in the fridge at work.
I ate meat & cheese galore.
My boobs ached and my stomach protruded.

HW from binge = 118.6 lbs; 10 lb gain.
Then the binge stopped.

I remembered myself.
I was full of energy and almost a sense of happiness...
I suppose that was the calories working their magic.
And I went back to work on thinness.

Now I am 5 days post-binge.
Weight 110 lbs. 8 lb loss.
At least it is dropping off quickly.
I can still feel hipbones; still see collarbones.
But I am now exercising every day.
This kids are with me; we do Jillian Michaels videos together at home.
*best part is when we get to punch her face!*

I am accomplishing my goal.
I'll be sick to get there.

God I hate her. She's had 4 kids and she looks like this.
It makes me want to cry.

8 lbs

That 3 day binge-fest was worth 8 fucking lbs. 

I hate my life.

No, I just hate myself.

First day of my college course tomorrow. I was supposed to be skinny. :(

Fat ass

Binged.

I'm a fat ass.

Now my stomach feels soft, my hips fleshy. 

I'm getting painful cramps in my abs and around my bowels. I've gotten these occasionally since the surgery.

If bingeing exacerbates them, all the more reason to never do it again.

Also my arms hurt from the gym on Saturday, and the backs of my thighs; I think that's from gardening yesterday. 

So I am a fat, sore mess who really hopes I can pull out of this eating disorder someday...

:'(

I can see through you

Pretty sure I just overdosed on gummy vitamins.
Now my stomach is churning.

540 calories today, exercised off at least 200 of them.
Treadmill walk on highest incline, some half hearted weights, and then a walk around the neighbourhood (quite hilly!) pushing a stroller with a 30 lb kid.
Ugh.
Tired.

Weight is still dropping.
I know I'm ill.
I know I like the results.

One pill makes you larger...

Ate so much again today.
Only 855 calories.

I just don't have the energy to do ANYTHING, and I think my performance at work is suffering, so I feel I have to fuel myself.
Just till the end of the week when I'm all done with this hideous early morning shifts.

So ya, had my usual overnight oats for breakfast.
Came home, lazed around and was cranky. Got chili going in the slow cooker. Fed the kids lunch.
Had a power nap. Was not at all empowered afterwards...
So I figured I needed food.
REAL food; not lettuce/spinach.
So I made a corn, cucumber, red pepper, tomato salad dressed with lime juice, basil, and a scant bit of vegenaise.
Stuffed that shit with some hummus into a real live flaxseed tortilla. 150 calories! Oh Lord help me!
And cut it in half on the diagonal all purdy-like.
Planned to eat half but I scarfed it all.
Immediately felt energized. Who woulda thunk. 
But was it worth 310 fucking calories?!!! I think not people!

Made the best cornbread muffins for dinner with the vegan chili.
The kids all liked them - even the one extra who's visiting.
I ate one that broke, then had another broken one after dinner.
Made them mini muffins to keep calories/muffin low.
62 calories/muffin.

Now I feel huge.
Like a fucking whale.
Weighed in fully clothed half an hour ago - 111.8lbs
GOD I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO FUCKING OBSESSED.

Where are you going?

Well, I was at 108.2 earlier this week; Friday to be exact.
Saturday I didn't feel well, and that - coupled with a low-calorie but sodium-laden dinner on Saturday (homemade baked tempura with dipping sauce) left me feeling not great all weekend.

All weekend I was actually feeling much more hungry than during the entire week.
I figured it was my body talking to me.
Saturday I ate a lunch of a white kidney bean, pesto, & veggie filled lettuce wrap (Green wraps are my new favorite foodie discovery! Practically calorie free yet you still get to wrap it all together!). I have been eating spinach salads or drinking fresh green juice for lunch during the entire week; it was awfully strange to actually be eating something with some sustenance.

Come Sunday I was still feeling like I needed to eat and eat and eat; I think I may have overdosed on gummy vitamins while trying to ward off a binge.
I actually ate 1/3 of a Safeway chicken samosa that was left in the fridge after A asked for one while we were grocery shopping and didn't finish it all. That was only 132 calories.
It wasn't very vegan of me, however.
Didn't binge though.
Had a homemade veggie & rice soup for dinner; as well as a salad of fresh cherry tomatoes from my garden dressed with balsamic vinegar.

Still gained 2 lbs since that low on Friday morning, but I know it will be going down again.
I am sitting here on the couch with the laptop propped up on my legs.
While typing my arms rest against my sides and my fucking HIPBONES keep poking my arms.
It feels amazing.
<3

In other news:
I discovered these last night and ordered a set. :)

So excited to pack awesome lunches for the girls for school, and for myself too!
This is portion control at it's finest!
Check out all the adorable bento boxes you could make if you had all the time in the world!
Of course I had to order some necessary accessories:

 It's true, I really do have an online shopping problem. PLUS I am broke and just asked to borrow money from my mom. BUT I NEED THESE!!!

AND I am going to make my own little toothpicks to hold fruits, sandwich pieces, etc.
So fun!!!

Before & After

OMFG.
109.8 lbs.
I reached my first goal weight.
The one I'm not supposed to drop below.
I want more.

I feel so fucking amazing.

Before Surgery. 125 lbs.

7 weeks post-surgery. 110 lbs.

It looks like a lot more than 15 lbs disappeared...

Same?!

I just dared to weigh myself after the ginormous disgusting binge.
I don't know whether to be relieved or incredibly disappointed.
The SAME. Fucking 112.4 lbs.

That means that I must have lost a crapload of weight while camping, probably was less than 110.
Then gained it all back in one day of binge eating.

But at least I know it's possible to get there.

Fasted yesterday until dinner and didn't even feel hungry.
Existed on coffee, fresh veggie juice, and coconut water.
I'm on track again.
I can and will do this.
<3

Shite to the umpteenth degree...

Okay, serious binge tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I knew a month and a half was too long, I knew it was coming... :(
Must stay thin.

Outdoors.

Camping with the girls...

Was 112 before I left; have done good food wise until today; where I had to take a friend out for her birthday. Still have done okay - I was designated driver so I had only coffee and water and no alcohol. Half a serving of gnocchi in tomato sauce and strawberries in syrup for dessert. Then we had to have lager chips; I swear they don't make those in bc. But I only ate about 1/4 serving and brought the rest back for the kids.

I love camping. Sitting by the fire right now relaxing, kids have gone to bed.

Only crappy thing is I am out of smokes...

Thanks for your comments on my last post. I really didn't gain as much as I expected after visiting my moms. I hope to be at around 111 when I get home. And it's all downhill from there!!!

Fat again?

Spent the day yesterday driving. 

9 hours to my mom & dad's to pick up N. 

Did good in terms of food. Smoothie for breakfast; mini cuc, clementine, & coconut water for lunch; homemade veggie wrap for snack. Then ate half a corn cob and drank my green juice for dinner. 

Went out to the pub with a friend; ate edamame and 4 yam fries.

AND THEN THE DRINKING STARTED...

So many useless calories. 

Must be back up to 115 now. 

Why do I self-sabotage like this?

And why do they tell me I'm so thin when I am SO GODDAMN FAT?!!!

Stop force-feeding me.

Never was a cornflake girl...

Remember, sometimes you eat too much and feel full.
Sometimes you don't eat enough and feel empty.
These are not extremes, these are normal occurrences.

Right now I'm really full. :(
I just checked though - While I FEEL ABSOLUTELY GIGANTIC, my stomach is still flat.
I'm still thin.
I actually had to lift my shirt and look.
I can feel my bulging muffin top pushing against the drawstring of my pajamas... but it's not.
There's no muffin top there.
There's actually a gap between my stomach and the drawstring.
THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD.

I was so hungry tonight.
Not sure why.
Figured I'd better just eat an extra small meal, and one thing let to another.
Not a binge per say, I just overate a little.
All vegan food, pretty much healthy stuff.
Half a veggie sandwich, baby carrots & hummus, 5 strawberries, 1 piece of toast with cashew butter, and a homemade baked donut.
Total today - 1246 calories.
It only feels like so much since I've been eating 600-700 a day for the past 2 weeks.
My stomach must have shrunk.

Ugh. Not gonna make it worse though.
I have no desire to binge ever again.
It's not a nice thing, is it?

1 month anniversary of vegan-me!

Today marks the 1 month mark of being vegan.

I haven't been perfect: I'm pretty sure I consumed 2 fried eggs over the course of the month, and once when out I had to get a yogurt parfait (Starbucks is not the most vegan-friendly and I needed something substantial). At first I continued to have milk in my coffee from Timmy's, but now I just get it black.

Overall I feel good about how well I've done.

I've stuck to this for longer than any other crazy diet/lifestyle change that I've done before.

I know I will slip up occasionally, whether knowingly or unknowingly, and I'm okay with that.

It's the intention that's important.

Besides, it's about my health and well-being anyhow, not animal rights or anything. To me, that's just an added bonus.

I feel much cleaner on the inside now. Not so groggy feeling and definitely I am having less digestive issues.

I think I maybe farted 3 times in the entire month? ;) Seriously, you give me a slice of cheese on a sandwich and I am stinking up the room for 2 days. NOT COOL. Same deal for baked goods/junk food.

Eating clean is worth it if only for the reduction in embarrassing body functions.

I've also lost 7 lbs. WHOOT!

Dinner today = homemade veggie sushi

There's no sex in your violence

Today was weigh-in day.
112.4 - up from yesterday which was 111.6; but I was so freakin' hungry yesterday that I allowed myself to eat 3 meals instead of juicing for lunch.

Today I juiced for breakfast, had a smoothie for lunch, snacked 1/2 an apple and 1/4 of a dragonfruit, and ate veggie & tofu stir-fry with a bit of rice for dinner.
I'll be back down tomorrow.

MyFitnessPal is telling me I've lost 20 lbs.
It doesn't feel like it; I feel like I have so far to go.
Yet 110 lbs was my original "still be reasonably healthy so people don't freak out" weight.
I'm almost there, but I'm still a fat cow.
Plus it hardly counts since I haven't been able to exercise for a month.

Made and froze some tofu-vegetable pot-pies.
Then did the calorie calcs - 574 calories for one! Damn that earth balance is calorie heavy!
And that's making 3 pies when the recipe said it only made 2...
When the time comes I'll be eating only half, it would appear.

The bitch came back...

Still the pounds drop off my body.
I am concerned but unwilling to stop them.
I like my body better this way; tiny, fragile, weak.

I am excited, however, that I have just discovered a to-your-door organic vegetable & fruit delivery service that actually delivers in the rural area that I live in.
For a pretty reasonable price, too, I think.
I am going to try it next week and see how it is; I'll pre-pay if I like it.
I'm excited to get organic stuff - I never really get organic from my regular grocery visits.

I also want to plug the restaurant I went to while visiting Vancouver.
Gorilla Food, which is a raw vegan restaurant.
I admit, one of my main reasons for even GOING to Vancouver was to go to this restaurant.
(Well, that and to go to the Tea Party concert... <3)
Unfortunately, I only got to visit it once, so I can't give you all a huge overview of how awesome the food is, but I found it to be pretty good.
I got the Main St. Monkey Sandwich - LOADS of sprouts, olive tapenade, zucchini hummus, avocado, tomatoes, and I think cucumbers on some sort of dehydrated flax veggie cracker/bread.
Since being into the whole raw vegan food thing these days, I appreciated the sharp variety of flavors (although I did think the olive tapenade was a bit too oily; I had to go wash my hands after finishing the sandwich).
But you should have seen the boyfriend's face. Priceless.
So anyhow, if you are around downtown Vancouver, check this place out. It's within walking distance of Granville Skytrain station.

This is the excitement of my life today.
Uh huh.
I know, you are jumping up and down, right?
Sorry, best I can do. ;)

It`s a seizure of the senses

Went on a trip; visited my friends & family in Vancouver and went to see the Tea Party. <3
I was there 3 days; spent all day driving there on Wednesday (8+ hours), stayed Thursday - Saturday, and spent all day yesterday driving back.
Although I stuck to my Vegan ways (with the exception of Jello shots...) and spent a lot of time walking, I did spend both Thursday and Saturday nights in a state of perpetual drunkenness, so I figured the liquid calories were going to kill me.
I was praying for an acceptable weigh-in this morning.
AND... 115.0.

I actually lost slightly.
No gain.

My life is complete.
:)

Musings

Ate lunch.
Feel a bit more awake now.

But I find the feeling of food in my belly uncomfortable.
Feeling empty is so much nicer.
Cleaner.

I am the scum of the earth

I have too much time on my hands.
That's why I'm blogging so much.
That's why I'm thinking so much.
That's why I'm eating so little.

Weigh-in today.
115.2 lbs.
Meh.

Went to see Justin Trudeau today; he's a Canadian politician.
I'm not usually interested in politics but he's awfully good-lookin'. Strong nose, like me, eh? ;)
I was impressed by him.

Justin Trudeau

A look back...

Aww, thanks Genna for admittedly reading through my ENTIRE blog. ;)
After I read your comment, I wondered what exactly it was that I had written way back when - I can't remember and this blog has been rather, well, fragmented to say the least.
So I went back and read all my old posts myself. :)

And I realize that I'm still in practically the same place as I was when I started, what, like 2 years ago?
Still struggling - wanting to be thinner and yet not wanting to have an eating disorder.
Wanting to feel good about my body and not hate it.

This year has certainly been a roller coaster for me.
I ended my marriage last March.
I took the girls road-tripping to my friends' wedding last summer, and returned to find I was being forced out of our house when the ex decided that we weren't actually done yet and he was moving back in. (umm, no sweetie, we aren't gonna be living together...)
We've since moved twice.
I'm still in the process of getting a divorce. It's turning out to be very messy and has so far cost me $11,000 in lawyers' fees.
It'll be even more after we go to court in September.

I got hired on as a postal clerk at Canada Post.
Casual, but the pay is fantastic and I have been offered term positions, so I am getting a shit-ton of work.
Right now it's night shifts, from 11pm - 3 am, so that's somewhat brutal, but I'm managing and it's paying the bills.
I can do lots of things around there: I do retail at the till, I sort the mail/parcels, and I have even been trained to drive the forklift!
I'm also still working at the Rec Centre in town and at Subway. I average about 50-55 hours work in total per week.

I hooked up with that boy in November. We got drunk and... well, you know.
We continued seeing each other and had casual sex for about 3 months, until I admitted that we might as well just be dating.
He is younger, quite irresponsible, and completely unemployed. Somehow his freedom and carelessness attracts me.

I am now taking 6 much needed weeks off from all work. I think I've had 2 days off since January.
I'm recovering from this surgery, which I had July 5th. Total hysterectomy and tummy tuck.
I went in at 125 lbs and came out 3 days later at 118 lbs.
Currently at 115 lb.
I'm recovering well. I feel pretty much normal except that I get worn out a bit more quickly.
I'm bored as hell sitting around doing nothing the majority of the time.
I've started venturing out - got my hair done and my eyebrows done last week. :)
I also have a lot of time to think about food and cooking and such - you think I'd be doing more of it but I'm hooked on juicing and raw veggie wraps these days...

I thought this tummy tuck would help my ED and body image issues.
And it has - I mean, my new belly is FANTASTIC!
But it's still not enough.
I still hate my thighs, my arms, my butt & boobs.
I doubt I will ever be good enough for my own standards.

Plus, my nose is unfortunately gigantic and it's so not attractive.
I fixed one part of me and found a million more to hate.

But anyhow.
Here's some pictures, because I used to post pics a lot and haven't for awhile. :)

Me aand A, May 2013 - 123 lbs. See that protruding belly? Now imagine it GONE!!! <3 Yay for cosmetic surgery!

A the bumblebee - all ready for her dance recital!

A preschool graduate! I can't believe she'll be in Kindergarten in a month...

N & A feeding some birds, Feb 2013

A in Aug 2012 @ wedding

N in Aug 2012 @ my friend's wedding

Me in the middle. SO FAT - 129 lbs. Aug 2012.
PS: I still got laid though!

Each day ends quicker and my mind gets slower too

I think I am getting ill again.
I feel it taking over my thoughts, but I only half-heartedly push it away.
Because secretly it's welcome.
Secretly I am so much closer now to my mini-goal weight.
115 lbs this morning.
1st GW = 109.

I'd ask someone to save me but that's not what I want.
I want to be thin and fragile and perfect; I want to live in that state of reckless numbness so that I don't have to feel anything.

I wonder if, secretly, I just want to die?

Beating like a hammer

I'm sitting on my couch, drinking oolong tea, and considering how I don't think I've eaten enough today.
I feel a little off.
It's hard to bring myself to want to eat though.
I promised myself I would eat when I felt hungry.
I don't feel hungry.
Just tired, yet restless.
I made myself a bowl of fruit and yogurt this morning for breakfast, nothing unusual there.
But I ate half of it and had to stick the rest back in the fridge, I felt so full.
I ate the rest later on for my morning snack.
Fresh carrot-orange juice for lunch.
A veggie wrap for dinner.

700 cals.

NOT ENOUGH.
GO EAT.
Don't eat.

Don't get sick.
You need to be thin.
You'll be happy when you are thin.

Why can't this just be easy?

If you hate yourself, don't go changing

I read a book while in hospital - well, I read a lot of books, but this one might be worth mentioning.
It's Letting Ana Go, a new anorexic memoir if you will.
While I did find it somewhat triggering, it reverberates with me.
A lot of the behaviours and thoughts are ones I definitely remember having myself when I was caught in the throes of the disease.
It did, in fact, bring me very very close to tears.
But I do find it interesting that this girl was so sick... her bmi was 16.7.
My bmi was 14.4.
And the stupid thing is, it's still a fucking contest for me.
I was sicker, I was sicker.

I still wish sometimes I was sick again.
I just want to be happy with myself.
I want to feel beautiful.

Body and soul, I'm a freak

So, I've kinda cheated here a little bit.
I've lost 7 lbs.
I lost them overnight.
I had a hysterectomy to remove my uterus and accompanying ginormous fibroid tumor.
And while I was at it, we did a little nip and tuck (read: full tummy tuck with muscle repair).

This happened last Friday. I came home from the hospital Monday night, and have been sitting at home on the couch ever since.
I'm not in unbearable pain - the worst part is not being able to stand up straight.
Yesterday I had the drain in my abdomen removed and my bandages taken off. I'm just covered with tape now. And wearing the abdominal binder that I'm required to wear for about a month.
I haven't taken any close looks at the scar - I can't handle that. I just try to push it out of my mind.

I'm using this opportunity to relax and NOT WORK for 6 weeks. It's great.
Considering I have had a total of 2 days off since January.

I've also watched Forks over Knives and am converting to a plant-based diet.
I don't want to get sick, and I don't want to go get fat now that I paid for this tummy tuck.
That would be ridiculous!

Fuck

I'm so fat.

I wore jeans for the first time in a couple months. MUFFIN TOP.
So nasty, I can't bear to look at myself.

I hate this body.

You're fit but my gosh don't you know it

Two people have told me I look great in the last week.
I don't look any different.
Strange people.
Went to the gym tonight before work and was then totally exhausted.

Ab Strengthening class tomorrow.

I am doing so good these days.
Must KEEP IT UP!

Who do you think you are?

I think I was asked out yesterday.
I say I think - it has been 10 years since I "dated" anyone, so I'm not entirely sure if he's asking me out on a date, or just as friends, as we know each other through work and around town.
The guy I'm kinda seeing right now never asked me out, we just kinda fell into bed together. And I refused to admit we were together for about 3 months. Just left it at the "friends with benefits" stage.

So ya, I might go out for drinks with this guy on Friday night.

The kids are away with my mom for Spring break, so the house is very quiet.
I love the solitude of it.
But I am packing everything up to prepare for my move to a new house next week.
A bigger and nicer one, although not in as nice of a neighbourhood.
I hope it works out for us - I won't be walking as much there as it isn't as central to everything around here.

Must go to bed now - early shift tomorrow. :(
Goodnight to you all.

You make me weightless.

Am I sorry for the lack of posting? I want to say yes, but I'm really not sure if that would be the truth or not.

I am working lots.
We are going to be moving again in a couple weeks.
I am waiting to see a specialist and will be undergoing surgery soon. Bye bye baby making machine.

I figure I will lose about 6 lbs effortlessly once my uterus and the accompanying gigantic tumour are removed.
The rest of me is still pretty slim; just can't lose weight off my stomach. At least now I know it really isn't my fault.

I've binged occasionally but overall I am eating pretty healthy. My weight has stayed the same for the last 6 months. I wish it were dropping, but I suppose 126 isn't terrible.
It's not 130, or 150 for that matter.

Still seeing that boy.
He doesn't make me feel so self-conscious.
He still tells me I am hot shit and that I've made all his friends jealous of him.
People must be blind...

But never will I break

Did well today.
Binged yesterday - think ice cream and peanut brittle for lunch, then a bag of snap peas for dinner. And 200 calories burned off on the elliptical.

877 calories total today.
450 burned on the treadmill + 30 mins weights + 1 hour wimpy ice skating.

I am tired and need to go to bed early.
Called in to work tomorrow at 8:45 am, have to leave at 7:50.

Don't ever let them see you bleed

I hate my life.
I hate that it revolves around success and failure
and eating and non-eating and exercise.

I wish I could change.
I wish I could be skinny and normal and self-respecting.

465 calories today.
I am not hungry.
I binged yesterday, so my body is again full and still digesting it all.

I have this boy.
I'm scared to let on just how fucked up I am.
I have hinted, I don't know how much he has put together.
I'm scared to get too close, scared to care.
I am angry with myself for letting it go this far, yet I don't want to stop.
I like him but I know he is not really right for me.
But I enjoy his company and at least for the moment I enjoy the sex.
I like how he tells me I'm hot even though I don't believe it,
And how I can turn him on.
I am so afraid he will hurt me; I am so afraid I will damage him.

There's a focus group, that can prove this is all nothing but cold calculation

Did well today.

B: 4 strawberries, 2 mini mandarins, yogurt, sprinkling of blueberry flax cereal (106)
L: Grilled veggie sandwich with feta cheese (253)
S: 3/4 Oh Henry bar (210)
D: 2 mini mandarins, 3 crackers & hummus, veggie sandwich w/o cheese (364)
B: Toast w/ macadamia butter & banana (205)
Total = 1138

-325 on the treadmill & 40 weights
Net = 773

I weighed in at the gym, and despite all the bingeing this past week, it's still the same.
I know my jeans are tighter though. It hurts to wear them, so I attempt to wear pajamas and yoga pants as often as possible.

I can do this.
I need to be small, fragile.
I need someone to take care of me.

It's a sad, sad world; when a girl will go and break a boy just because she can

Shall I try vegan tomorrow?

Full-time work term is now over. Now I should sleep.
Except that this stupid ear infection is keeping me awake.
I'm like what, 3 years old getting ear infections?
It happens when I am overwhelmed.

Good night girls.