Today was tough, self-talk wise.
I missed my morning snack; although it was just half an apple anyway.
It set me up for worry the entire day - am I going to binge now? Have I screwed this up?
Took A to preschool, went shopping and spent too much on clothes that are just a little too tight.
I had to go buy XS yoga pants; I bought the S ones just over a month ago. They were tight when I bought them at 134 lbs, unwearable due to camel toe/pantyline issues. I just began wearing them around the house a few days ago, and now at 123 lbs they are too loose.
Bought a pair of denim capris (size 4) and some drawstring fleece capris (also XS).
It motivates me; makes me feel all happy inside.
Yet there is the voice: The store obviously tends toward bigger sizes. You are not an XS in any sense of the words.
I was feeling a little tired after that, very likely due to lack of food, so I skipped the gym while A was in preschool. Convinced myself that I couldn't be back in time before N was home, and I hadn't warned her I wouldn't be there when she got back from school. Also had a fleeting notion of running up to the preschool to pick up A. Luckily for me laziness won out there, as it started hailing when I drove up to the school.
After eating a black bean taco for dinner, I felt a little more energetic. (Well, duh! Really, you think I'd know this by now!) I had a babysitter in tonight so I could go to work for 1.5 useless hours. So I asked if she would stay a bit longer so I could go to the gym after. After work, even on the drive to the gym, I was trying to back out. Telling myself I did not eat enough today to fuel a workout. That I was going to head back down that slippery slope of restricting and start that cycle again. But in the end I changed lanes and headed for the gym.
I am still recognizing those ED thoughts. Today I think they may have gotten the best of me, but tomorrow I will put them in their place again. Jerks.
I am trying harder than ever to recover.
It doesn't sound like much, but I have eaten 3 meals and 2 snacks every day for the past week.
My calories remain too low.
I am weighing myself less. Every 3 days; as opposed to every morning.
I am still losing some weight.
I have not binged, although I have eaten some things that I thought would for sure be the trigger.
I officially ended my marriage.
It was basically over anyhow.
I realized that in order to make myself better, I need to leave the past behind.
He was dragging me down and pulling me back.
I am ready to move forward.
I still want to be thin.
I still have ED thoughts.
But I have begun to notice them more.
And I believe I am beginning to tell them to go the fuck away.
You are in here anyway, so you may as well weigh yourself now. No, actually, I really don't want to, or need to today. I will on Monday.
You don't need to eat right now. If you skip your snack, you will get skinny faster! Actually, I'm feeling a little bit hungry, so I'm going to have an apple. An apple is not going to make me fat, but it will fill me up a little so I don't binge later.
It's a start.
On a funnier note, I found this song from way back when in my teen years.
It still makes me giggle!
New job is mind-numbing. Easy, but hard to stay focused on bubbling in all the numbers on scantron sheets. No wonder it is only done for 2 weeks.
The most difficult part for me is getting up in the morning.
But I am walking there everyday, as I would have to pay for parking, so that helps wake me up.
Haven't had time to exercise, but I will be going to the gym tomorrow while A is at preschool. N is excited, she is planning on coming swimming while I am in the gym.
Almost back down to my pre-binge weight from 2 weeks ago. And I haven't been exercising and have been trying to listen to my stomach and eat when it tells me I am hungry.
I'm still not taking in adequate calories, but I am taking things one step at a time.
Tonight I finished A's chocolate chip muffin that she made (one of Katie's Single-Lady Cupcakes!), she somehow ate about a quarter of it and said she was full.
It hasn't led to a binge so I am pleased with myself.
I still feel fat as hell, but I want to feel like I'm working toward changing that by eating healthier and having a more balanced lifestyle.
The binging/starving cycle is stupid and immature.
If only it were easy to stop.
On another note, N is actually helping me with the healthy thing - she says she wants to eat healthier, too. So she hasn't been hounding me for junk food lately, and has been eating things like *gasp* apples & unsalted cashews as snacks.
I'm glad she realizes that healthy food is important, and that it is helping me during this really brutal transition time, but I also worry. She isn't developing an eating disorder, is she?
She is so young. And so skinny. She has no weight to lose.
Today she went to the pool and came home with a Mountain Dew, though. She bought it with her own money, which is fine. "One Mountain Dew once in a while as a treat won't hurt you." I said. "But having pop every day isn't healthy. Look at your dad and what it's done to his teeth."
Referring to the fact that all the enamel has eroded off his teeth. Cost to fix > $10K.
So she still has junk. And doesn't seem to feel any guilt over it.
But she is also loving healthy fruit smoothies and banana "ice cream".
Perhaps this is the balance that I need to find...
I am still alive, still doing relatively okay.
Trying to stick to a meal plan & eat 3 meals/day & snacks when hungry. 1200 calories.
So far I am finding it difficult to get that much in, but I think my effort is better than in the past.
The next 2 weeks will be nuts. I start a 2 week temp job tomorrow, andwill still be working my 2 other casual positions.
Therefore, you may not hear from me for awhile.
I will post more when I have a chance.
PS: Miranda, my green onions are really tall now! You should grow some!
110 lbs or bust.
My mind is so messed up right now.
I wanted to make this more of a foodie blog and less of an ED blog.
Or not.
intake: 345 cals output: 360 cals
Dinner tonight was a low-cal flop. I tried this carrot-miso soup.
We like butternut squash soup a lot around here (and I have had an okay reaction to carrot soups), and we also are a little obsessed with all things sushi/Japanese, including miso soup.
So why not combine them?
Sounds good in theory.
Well, I cut down the amount of miso in the recipe, but it was still WAY too salty/miso-flavored.
I won't be making this one again. Both the girls went to bed because they didn't want to eat it.
I finished my serving, but only because it was 80 calories that I was REALLY needing to consume today.
Served it alongside kale chips (which I can now cook perfectly without burning!) and roasted cauliflower, which was not as crispy and crunchy as I was hoping for.
Really, I kinda failed at the cooking thing today.
I did however, completely abstain from the pizza served at lunchtime.
And drank black coffee instead.
Went ice skating for a little bit, but I'm not very good at it.
Most of the time was spent pushing A around with the metal bar skate-aid. She gave up pretty quickly, too.
I'd guess about 20 minutes skating in total? I'm counting it as exercise, but I didn't work up a sweat.
Did the 30DS L1, followed by 38 min wiiFit exercises (apparently burning 108 cal, I find this hard to believe).
Now I am hitting my bed hard and hoping to sleep in a little in the morning.
My ipod died. :(
I went to turn it on at the gym last night, and nothing happened. I thought that was weird, considering it had over half it's battery life left earlier in the day. But I figured I had accidentally left it running so it had died.
But I got home and plugged it into the charger, and nothing happened. Won't even start charging.
So, I had to buy new running shoes & a new ipod in one week. Down another $128.
This fitness business is expensive...
Just got a little ipod nano, that has a clip so I can clip it to the outside of my workout gear. My old one was slightly bigger, those tall thin ones that are now out of rotation, but had no clip, so I was always tucking it into the waistband of my pants. It would get all nasty and sweat-covered while I was working out.
I always figured that couldn't be too good for it.
Worked skating today, then a birthday party. I was worried that the mom was not too impressed with my party management skills (who invites 21 kids to a party?!) - she kept coming over and asking what we were going to do next, and mentioning that she thought some of the kids were getting bored, and maybe it was time for an activity change.
Then afterwards she told me what a great job I had done, and gave me an extra $10?
Strange, but I won't complain. Helps with paying the babysitter.
I have felt so tired today. I got up, lazed around, and was irritable all morning.
Got my ass in gear to go to work, then came home and was grouchy again.
I planned to do the 30 day shred again, but I can't find the energy.
I think I'll just take today as a rest day.
N seems to be feeling better.
She still rested all day until about 3pm, then got up and started actually moving. She was well enough to go to a bowling party tonight, and she just got home and into bed about 15 minutes ago.
I'm glad she's recovering, I still think it's a little weird for her to go about randomly fainting.
Hopefully no more, or we'll have to get blood tests done.
Sunday school party at the church tomorrow - they are serving pizza for the kids for lunch.
Pizza and I do not have a good relationship.
If I trusted myself to eat a single slice of pizza without it triggering a massive binge, I wouldn't worry. Unfortunately, I have no such faith in my will power. So I can't/won't eat any pizza. "Gluten-free" diet.
They will probably have a veggie tray too. I'll fill my plate with those.
I can't screw this up now, I am just starting to see some results.
I'll post my current weigh-in on Monday, and note the difference.
How I love that it is dropping; how I hate that I know it isn't right. Isn't healthy or proper.
I wonder how people would think of me if the saw me as a skeleton? As I was before? Would they still want me running birthday parties? What kind of role model would I be then?
At my lowest weight it was in the summertime, so I wasn't seen by people at the school; and I wasn't working so many places, so I didn't get seem by as many people. But the people that saw me noticed - although they never mentioned anything then.
I wanted to post a pic for you, of me at my lowest. You could see my ribcage. I look back and find it disgusting, but yet I would go there all over again. I can't find the pic. I may have gotten rid of them all.
That's the sickness of it, I suppose. The disorder.
And you know, my kids are tiny. Tonight, as N was getting into bed, I saw the same bones.
The same ribcage. She is so skinny.
And the irrational, disordered part of me is SO jealous. Of my daughter. Of a pre-pubescent 10 year-old.
When I was skinny we could share clothes. She borrows some of the things I wore then.
Because you know I won't throw them away.
Anyhow, I am hoping to sneak off and pretend I need to go grocery shopping during lunch, and then meet them for ice skating later. I have to go because at 3, A is the youngest kid and kinda needs parental supervision.
Well, had a busy-ish day today. A day I almost would have regretted. I almost binged. ALMOST.
I woke up this morning, really sluggish. Slept until 8 am, then had to get up because N wanted me to fix her french braids. I did my best, but I am not an expert in these things. I never liked braids in my hair as a kid, my mom pulled too hard.
Finally got A off to preschool (like I mentioned, she is NOT a morning person). She said she would rather go back to bed and sleep, but I made her go. I have put her in the morning preschool starting in September for 4 days a week, so she'll need to get used to this! I really prefer to have my "alone-time" in the morning as opposed to the afternoon, since then N is in school the whole time as well, and it is all mine.
Then I headed to the gym, got on the elliptical and started my workout. Still rather exhausted, but determined, as I know I always feel better afterwards. I think I got going for about 1 1/2 minutes before the cashier comes into the gym and tells me that the school called. N has almost passed out.
I did a double-take. Wait a minute, N?!
I'm not surprised by having to pick up A at preschool, that happens often, but I NEVER have to go get N. And she almost passed out?! Her teacher caught her before she fell?
Well, as you can imagine, that was the end of that workout session.
I went to get my poor sick baby. She was really looking pale, but was able to walk/talk/function fine. She didn't know what was wrong, but still felt pretty unwell. I suggested maybe she didn't eat enough breakfast this morning (I think it was only rice krispies, but like I said, I slept in), and her blood sugar was low - maybe she needed some sugar to help her feel better.
She thought this was a great idea, and I had to point out that I meant healthy-ish sugars.
So we went to a coffee shop and got her a muffin and some apple juice. We just sat there for awhile, I thought it might be good for her to have some alone time with me, even if it is small. We don't get that too much anymore.
I asked her if there was anything she was worried about, that sometimes stress or being upset can cause your body to faint, and she said no. I still can't help but worry.
Anyhow, we got home around 11 and she spent the rest of the afternoon in bed and on the couch, reading books, playing on her ipod, and drifting in and out of sleep. Not too healthy looking.
I made the girls English muffin pizzas for lunch: half an english muffin for each of them, with tomato sauce & cheese, broiled for a couple seconds. Not a huge hit, they both only ate half of the "halves".
And I did it. I ate the other quarters.
I ate half an English muffin with frickin' cheese on it!
Hence my last post.
The eating of the muffin itself was not all that bad, it's the binge that it may (and usually does) trigger. I suppose because it was not a part of the day's food plan and it was not one of my safe foods.
I didn't see your comment until later Claire, but I did distact myself. I did a round of the 30 Day Shred, then tested out my new Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum game for the wii. By the time I was done, I had to shower, pick up the babysitter, and go to work at 4.
This sounds dumb, but I'm really proud of myself for warding off the binge. I know I am not eating properly right now, but a binge would not help the situation. It would only make it worse. Make me feel worse.
I am not pleased with what I did to counteract the English muffin incident, though. I planned to take some leftover Tabbouleh to work to eat for dinner. But it was 278 calories. So I took leftover Lentil Dal instead. It was 77 calories. I felt the need to restrict due to the so-called indulgence earlier. That is so unreasonable and so abnormal. Shite.
And I also finished my shift (I actually work at the gym, I'm a cashier) and went into the gym just before we close up (I finish at 8:45, gym closes at 9 but I can stay in a bit longer). Did the elliptical I missed earlier, and went for longer, 25 minutes vs 23. Burned 230 calories.
Also, there was the exercise I did earlier to prevent binging, about 220 calories.
I think that made up for half and English muffin and some cheese.
I hate that I am so unreasonable.
But I just want to be thinner.
Today was somewhat eventful.
I went to a meeting for work early in the morning, 8:30am. Too early. Almost had to stay home - let's just say my little brat child (did I say I loved this girl a few posts ago?) is NOT a morning person -and I had to send her back to bed for about 20 minutes until she calmed down.
Luckily she decided it wasn't worth missing out on a playdate at her friends' place, and told me she was "ready to be nice now, not cranky."
Meeting was pretty useless and boring as all hell. What a waste of 2.5 hours. Good thing I got paid.
Then we went out to the mall, as I desperately need some new running shoes.
I decided this after Zumba last night, when I was slipping all over the floor and almost did a couple of face plants. Same problem at my boot camp class. Push-ups are really hard when your toes keep slipping out from under you. At least, that's been my excuse.
So I got some new Asics.
$123 poorer. :S
They feel comfy, I tried them out tonight at boot camp. No blisters so far.
I remember the first walk I took with my old runners - tore all the skin off my heels so badly I was in pain for over a week. It was honestly excruciating. And after 4 years, they still do it when I wear the wrong socks. Cheap ones. Definitely time for an upgade.
For $123 these ones had better be less painful.
Also bought this to brighten up my kitchen. :D
Apple Sink Mat
I am obsessed with apples these days.
I have apple snack bags, sandwich wraps, and I eat them as a snack whenever I am feeling hungry.
Next I am going to dry apple rings in the oven. I made banana chips this way, and they are pretty yummy. My Babe likes to nibble them right up.
Got home with a message saying I am being offered a temporary position counting mail at the post office. This will last for 2 weeks, 3 hours a day, Mon-Fri.
I'm thankful for the extra income, but really not looking forward to the extra work.
Didn't do much extravagent in the way of cooking tonight, it was a leftover night.
How we end up with so many leftovers is beyond me. Oh wait, maybe it's because my kids are fussy and I don't eat...
I did experiment with a muffin, though. I halved this recipe and made it in a small ramekin using 2 T egg whites in place of a whole egg, and margarine in place of coconut oil. I also have a slight aversion to stevia, so I added a tiny bit of agave instead.
It turned out okay, it did puff up and did slip out of the ramekin easily. It makes me smile when things don't stick! It wasn't very sweet though, so I think next time I will add about 1/3 of a stevia packet instead of the agave (less calories, too). And I will also use 1 T flax seed & 1 T whole wheat flour, as the texture was just a bit too grainy for me, who is obviously a recovering processed carb addict.
It ended up costing me 100 calories, which I suppose isn't bad. I'm hoping the flax may also help keep things moving, if you know what I mean... ;)
