It`s a seizure of the senses

Went on a trip; visited my friends & family in Vancouver and went to see the Tea Party. <3
I was there 3 days; spent all day driving there on Wednesday (8+ hours), stayed Thursday - Saturday, and spent all day yesterday driving back.
Although I stuck to my Vegan ways (with the exception of Jello shots...) and spent a lot of time walking, I did spend both Thursday and Saturday nights in a state of perpetual drunkenness, so I figured the liquid calories were going to kill me.
I was praying for an acceptable weigh-in this morning.
AND... 115.0.

I actually lost slightly.
No gain.

My life is complete.
:)

Musings

Ate lunch.
Feel a bit more awake now.

But I find the feeling of food in my belly uncomfortable.
Feeling empty is so much nicer.
Cleaner.

I am the scum of the earth

I have too much time on my hands.
That's why I'm blogging so much.
That's why I'm thinking so much.
That's why I'm eating so little.

Weigh-in today.
115.2 lbs.
Meh.

Went to see Justin Trudeau today; he's a Canadian politician.
I'm not usually interested in politics but he's awfully good-lookin'. Strong nose, like me, eh? ;)
I was impressed by him.

Justin Trudeau

A look back...

Aww, thanks Genna for admittedly reading through my ENTIRE blog. ;)
After I read your comment, I wondered what exactly it was that I had written way back when - I can't remember and this blog has been rather, well, fragmented to say the least.
So I went back and read all my old posts myself. :)

And I realize that I'm still in practically the same place as I was when I started, what, like 2 years ago?
Still struggling - wanting to be thinner and yet not wanting to have an eating disorder.
Wanting to feel good about my body and not hate it.

This year has certainly been a roller coaster for me.
I ended my marriage last March.
I took the girls road-tripping to my friends' wedding last summer, and returned to find I was being forced out of our house when the ex decided that we weren't actually done yet and he was moving back in. (umm, no sweetie, we aren't gonna be living together...)
We've since moved twice.
I'm still in the process of getting a divorce. It's turning out to be very messy and has so far cost me $11,000 in lawyers' fees.
It'll be even more after we go to court in September.

I got hired on as a postal clerk at Canada Post.
Casual, but the pay is fantastic and I have been offered term positions, so I am getting a shit-ton of work.
Right now it's night shifts, from 11pm - 3 am, so that's somewhat brutal, but I'm managing and it's paying the bills.
I can do lots of things around there: I do retail at the till, I sort the mail/parcels, and I have even been trained to drive the forklift!
I'm also still working at the Rec Centre in town and at Subway. I average about 50-55 hours work in total per week.

I hooked up with that boy in November. We got drunk and... well, you know.
We continued seeing each other and had casual sex for about 3 months, until I admitted that we might as well just be dating.
He is younger, quite irresponsible, and completely unemployed. Somehow his freedom and carelessness attracts me.

I am now taking 6 much needed weeks off from all work. I think I've had 2 days off since January.
I'm recovering from this surgery, which I had July 5th. Total hysterectomy and tummy tuck.
I went in at 125 lbs and came out 3 days later at 118 lbs.
Currently at 115 lb.
I'm recovering well. I feel pretty much normal except that I get worn out a bit more quickly.
I'm bored as hell sitting around doing nothing the majority of the time.
I've started venturing out - got my hair done and my eyebrows done last week. :)
I also have a lot of time to think about food and cooking and such - you think I'd be doing more of it but I'm hooked on juicing and raw veggie wraps these days...

I thought this tummy tuck would help my ED and body image issues.
And it has - I mean, my new belly is FANTASTIC!
But it's still not enough.
I still hate my thighs, my arms, my butt & boobs.
I doubt I will ever be good enough for my own standards.

Plus, my nose is unfortunately gigantic and it's so not attractive.
I fixed one part of me and found a million more to hate.

But anyhow.
Here's some pictures, because I used to post pics a lot and haven't for awhile. :)

Me aand A, May 2013 - 123 lbs. See that protruding belly? Now imagine it GONE!!! <3 Yay for cosmetic surgery!

A the bumblebee - all ready for her dance recital!

A preschool graduate! I can't believe she'll be in Kindergarten in a month...

N & A feeding some birds, Feb 2013

A in Aug 2012 @ wedding

N in Aug 2012 @ my friend's wedding

Me in the middle. SO FAT - 129 lbs. Aug 2012.
PS: I still got laid though!

Each day ends quicker and my mind gets slower too

I think I am getting ill again.
I feel it taking over my thoughts, but I only half-heartedly push it away.
Because secretly it's welcome.
Secretly I am so much closer now to my mini-goal weight.
115 lbs this morning.
1st GW = 109.

I'd ask someone to save me but that's not what I want.
I want to be thin and fragile and perfect; I want to live in that state of reckless numbness so that I don't have to feel anything.

I wonder if, secretly, I just want to die?

Beating like a hammer

I'm sitting on my couch, drinking oolong tea, and considering how I don't think I've eaten enough today.
I feel a little off.
It's hard to bring myself to want to eat though.
I promised myself I would eat when I felt hungry.
I don't feel hungry.
Just tired, yet restless.
I made myself a bowl of fruit and yogurt this morning for breakfast, nothing unusual there.
But I ate half of it and had to stick the rest back in the fridge, I felt so full.
I ate the rest later on for my morning snack.
Fresh carrot-orange juice for lunch.
A veggie wrap for dinner.

700 cals.

NOT ENOUGH.
GO EAT.
Don't eat.

Don't get sick.
You need to be thin.
You'll be happy when you are thin.

Why can't this just be easy?

If you hate yourself, don't go changing

I read a book while in hospital - well, I read a lot of books, but this one might be worth mentioning.
It's Letting Ana Go, a new anorexic memoir if you will.
While I did find it somewhat triggering, it reverberates with me.
A lot of the behaviours and thoughts are ones I definitely remember having myself when I was caught in the throes of the disease.
It did, in fact, bring me very very close to tears.
But I do find it interesting that this girl was so sick... her bmi was 16.7.
My bmi was 14.4.
And the stupid thing is, it's still a fucking contest for me.
I was sicker, I was sicker.

I still wish sometimes I was sick again.
I just want to be happy with myself.
I want to feel beautiful.

Body and soul, I'm a freak

So, I've kinda cheated here a little bit.
I've lost 7 lbs.
I lost them overnight.
I had a hysterectomy to remove my uterus and accompanying ginormous fibroid tumor.
And while I was at it, we did a little nip and tuck (read: full tummy tuck with muscle repair).

This happened last Friday. I came home from the hospital Monday night, and have been sitting at home on the couch ever since.
I'm not in unbearable pain - the worst part is not being able to stand up straight.
Yesterday I had the drain in my abdomen removed and my bandages taken off. I'm just covered with tape now. And wearing the abdominal binder that I'm required to wear for about a month.
I haven't taken any close looks at the scar - I can't handle that. I just try to push it out of my mind.

I'm using this opportunity to relax and NOT WORK for 6 weeks. It's great.
Considering I have had a total of 2 days off since January.

I've also watched Forks over Knives and am converting to a plant-based diet.
I don't want to get sick, and I don't want to go get fat now that I paid for this tummy tuck.
That would be ridiculous!