Maybe I'm not listening...

Remember how about a week ago I said I exercised like a madwoman?
Well, I outdid myself today.

Hit the gym this afternoon while A was in preschool.
23 min elliptical (-200 cal) and about 45 min weights/strength.
I focused on my back/butt/abs, since my lower back hasn't been feeling very strong lately, and it's packing around some extra doughy bits back there.

I did go easy on myself though, and didn't do a full-body workout, since a couple friends and I were planning on going to Zumba tonight. I had a babysitter lined up and everything. Then... they BAILED!
Well, I wasn't about to cancel the sitter so I went anyhow. Probably better actually, as I was less self-conscious.
Secretly, I love Zumba.
You should know that I am the worst dancer on the planet, but Zumba lets me wiggle my bum along with a bunch of other people and not feel too ridiculous about it. I am actually getting a little better at the footwork, too!
So my back feels like it got the workout it needed this week. =)

My dinner today was a bit of a fail.
I attempted to make this:

Well, apparently you need a mandolin slicer-thingy to get all the sweet potato slices an even thickness, because mine burnt where they were thinner.
No biggie, I planned to just cut those parts off. But somehow pretty much ALL the chips ended up blackened beyond recognition. They are now sitting in my compost bucket. I salvaged about 8 chips that were edible and used them for myself.
Then I served the girls' tortillas to fill instead of nachos. I don't think they minded too much, not entirely sure they were keen on the sweet potato nacho idea, anyhow.
Mine tasted great topped with yogurt, salsa, black beans & corn, tomato chunks, red onion, red peppers, and a tiny bit of avocado.

I will try this again when I get the slicer I've ordered from epicure. It's on backorder, apparently. Everyone wants healthy potato chips.

I have ordered the slicer & chipster. Online shopping... You will be the death of me.

I also made some chocolate-avocado pudding.
Haven't tried it yet - I just calculated the calorie content, and it is HIGH. 178 calories/serving. Because of the 355 calories for one avocado. Healthy, but still fat.
I plan to have 1/2 a serving tomorrow to test it out, but from the licks I had of my fingers, it is very rich, and I may even need to cut down on the cocoa powder next time. Or add more sweetener.
I'll post a recipe once I have it perfected enough that the kids will eat it.
Of course, I won't mention the avocado part, they both hate avocados.

Man, I'm gonna be so sore tomorrow...

I'll give you something more...

I went totally non-vegetarian tonight and made salmon for dinner. Fish is one of the few protein sources/substantial food items that my little one likes, so we have to have it every once in a while. Besides, the omega-3's will make her smarter. Although I'm not sure that girl needs any more smarts - she's rather cunning at times.

I made up my own recipe: seasoned the salmon with only pepper and grilled it on my George Foreman grill. Then mixed artichoke hearts, steamed spinach, a little miracle whip, and pepper in the food processor until blended, and stirred in some feta cheese. Microwaved it for 2 minutes. Voila! ;)

Salmon with Spinach Artichoke Dip

Served with green beans and spinach salad.

Also added some rice for the girls, but I skipped out on that, as I am definitely not in need of meaningless carbs.

I have returned to losses as opposed to gains, but I am trying to look past the numbers and focus on my energy levels.

And to be honest, they haven't been outstanding.

I probably should eat more.

I know this in my heart.

 

 

I leave you with my favorite song ever.

It has been known to bring tears to my eyes.

I am still going to marry this man someday.

I  have wanted him since I was 15.

Seen him in concert 5 times, met him once, and could not utter a word.

The last time I saw him was a year ago. And you know what I remember? I weighed 118lbs. And I was so upset. I had promised myself I would be 110 by the time of the concert. I felt so fucking fat. So I drank and danced and sang andpretended like I didn't feel like a whale, and likely looked like a damn fool in the front row.

I think I was the only one who knew all the words to every song.

When you dig my grave, will you make it shallow? So that I can feel the rain.

I gained after the cake.
127.4 to 128.
It's an insignificant amount. It means nothing. I shouldn't care.
Tell me not to care.

If you are following my blog, please leave me a comment and let me know.
Blogger is still fucked up and won't let me see my followers. Always comes up as a blank page.
But apparently there are 7 of you! I want to make sure I am following you in return. ;)

Made the Red Lentil Dal from THH tonight.
It was okay, I thought it was a little bland, but the biggest kid, N, really liked it. Said it ranked up there with her favorite meals of all time (Pizza, Perogies, Tacos, Butternut Squash Soup). Then said "Wait, this doesn't have meat in it? I thought there was meat in it!"
Silly girl.
The only issue I had was that once I added the lentils & broth to my pot, it stuck to the bottom and I had to scrape it up and off with my wooden spoon as it was cooking. Maybe I had it on too high heat? It didn't really have much effect on the taste though, and it did scrape off easily enough that I wasn't scraping burnt crap off the bottom of my pot when I was washing it out after.
But weird - I rarely burn stuff!

Random Question:
I just noticed today that we (the girls & I - but the kids only due to the fact that I set the table - so I guess only I) always eat with dessert forks. I was washing out my cutlery holder yesterday and took out all the regular dinner forks, and they just looked so huge and awkward! We only use them if all the little forks are sitting dirty in the dishwasher. Anyone else eat with dessert forks?

I also use the small spoons for everything except soups, and smaller plates for meals. I use the Corelle dishware (hey, we can drop them and they don't break! We are a little accident prone around here...), and use the middle-sized salad plates that are 8 1/2 inches in diameter.

My Dishware. I know it's tacky but I love it. <3

I actually had to go and buy more of them because they too were always sitting dirty in the dishwasher and we were running out.

...and now I am thinking that I need more matching mugs. I only have 4. I want order 4 more light green ones. The online shopping addiction rears it's ugly head again. :(

This is all I can take

Today was pretty average. Trying to eat healthy. TRYING to eat when my stomach is gurgling.
But I am still counting calories and they are still coming in too low.

Today I ran 2 parties. The first one forced cake on me. Literally handed me a piece and said: "Here, you'd better eat this."
Like seriously. Do I LOOK like I need cake. Doubtful.
Next time I have a plan. I can't eat gluten. NEW SUREFIRE EXCUSE. I can't believe I didn't think of it before.

I didn't do much exciting in the way of food/cooking today. There was a sleepover at our house last night, so I made the girls waffles for breakfast. I always make a half batch so that we'll only have 4 or 5 waffles, and the kids finished those all off. I usually freeze leftover waffles and then they become "toaster waffles" for later. If I can refrain from ingesting the bugger, of course.

Then they had good old KD for lunch, which I detest and do not find the least bit tempting.

I did fruit and yogurt for breakfast and half of a quick avocado-veggie sandwich for lunch. I was feeling a little hungry before the 1st party and wanted to up my energy so I could keep up with the little twerps.
Then the cake. :S
Then ran home (well, walked home. Didn't actually literally run, being the lazy beast that I am), grabbed more coffee. Walked back for the next party. Cake-free. ;)
Home again, cleaned up the ginormous mess the girls made in my absence, and dragged them off to subway. Kid's meal veggie delight sandwich with no cheese and Sweet Onion sauce (I seriously ADORE that stuff).

So I am sitting at about 800 calories for today. No exercise so to speak, other than shoveling snow for 20 mins this morning, and running around playing "What Time is it Mr Wolf?" with party kids. Hardly counts.
I am feeling a little hungry now, though. I might have an apple and some green tea before I crash.

Here's a pretty photo of yesterday's dinner:

Hawaiian Chickpea Teriyaki (from THH)

I added red bell peppers to the chickpeas as well as mixed some pineapple juice into the teriyaki sauce. I omitted the both the sugar and the hot sauce (no go when feeding the kiddos, and I tossed mine out as I found it moldy in the fridge last week.)

I made my own mango-pineapple salsa to go on top. I didn't have any cilantro - I refuse to pay $1.99 for a little packet of fresh herbs at the grocery store. I can't wait for spring/summer when I'll have fresh herbs in my garden again for free!

I would make this dish again, it was quite flavorful, and both my girls like teriyaki, so it went over okay with them. I asked the littlest one to stir the chickpeas and teriyaki sauce together before we starting heating it up, and she kept licking the sauce off the wooden spoon.

Here she is helping make freezer meals. <3

I love my babes. :)

That's all for now, no deep realizations to share today. I'll try for tomorrow.

Night all, keep healthy & safe. I'll try too. 

All you are, is in you. ;)

Exercised like a madwoman yesterday.Well, actually, probably not really - but it was lots for my lazy standards.
1 hour boot camp weight training class, 23 minutes elliptical, 23 minutes treadmill walking on an incline.

I had a thought. Perhaps a revelation in my own mind.
I want to be a stay-at-home mom, I've known that for a long time, since baby #2 was born. Unfortunately that hasn't happened due to financial and the resulting marital difficulties.
The revelation is:
I always want to do things right. I want to put 100% of my time and effort into whatever I am doing/working on.
And I think why I am so unhappy with some of my circumstances right now is that I am NOT putting 100% effort into anything.
I am a cashier at the pool and at the Skating Arena. Not a lot of effort required. I just do my job and what I am told.
I run some children's programs and birthday parties for City Rec. Which I put some effort into, but I am often feeling so exhausted that I am not energetic enough to feel that I am doing my best.
I am a mother/housekeeper/cook.

I do everything part-time, including stay at home. I just want to do something full-time. I want to be devoted to something.
I feel that if I were able to stay at home, I could put 100% of my effort into the last one, which I see as the most important. I want to be there if the kids need me. I want to prepare wholesome, healthy snacks and meals for the kids (and a husband, but I guess that isn't absolutely necessary...). I want to keep my house tidy and feel like I am doing the best I can at home.

Right now, home care is getting about 40% of my effort. I am just too tired/busy to care. I don't like it this way. :( I want to do the best job I can. Perhaps this isn't a big deal and seems trivial; but for this to come into my head; I just thought "Wow, it's kind of in your nature to do your best, and right now you are not."

Anyhow...

Managed to eat well. Not a lot, probably too little, but healthy things.
Here was my lunchtime experiment:

Egg baked in an avocado.

I overcooked it though, my yolk was all set. I like them a little runny. And it was a bugger to get the cooked on egg off the ramekin. Actually, after being first handwashed and then dishwashed, it's still sitting in my sink with a couple crusties on it. :S

I'm not a huge egg fan, so I don't think I'll make this again. It took too long to cook, had extra calories (albeit healthy ones) from the avocado, and was a pain to clean up after.

I'll just stick to a fried egg on a piece of toast.

Trying a new recipe from the Happy Herbivore cookbook tonight. :) We'll see how that goes.

I know I am the worst blogger on the planet.
It was Valentine's day. There was chocolate in the house. Needless say it is here no longer. :S
Hubby came to stay for a couple days. I gained the weight back. All of it.

133 lbs.

I am really wanting to focus on eating healthy.
Not skipping meals, not restricting, not taking my rumbling tummy to mean "good job! you're starving!"
I want to have the energy to go to the gym and work out regularly.
I want to stop all the stressing, the craving, the binging.

I am really going to try. Really.
I'm tired of hating myself. Of feeling like a failure. Of the whole entire cycle.
It's time to stop it all now.

I'll keep you posted, and will try to blog about my healthy meals.
I want to be an inspiration, not another story of loss and gain.

They taped over your mouth; scribbled out the truth with their lies

2 good days. The baking went well - the cookies are hiding in the cupboard out of my view, ready to be delivered tomorrow. I let the girls taste-test them. I trust their judgement. ;)

I was so exhausted this morning, I really didn't think I would have the energy to do any substantial exercise. But I packed up my gym crap and dragged myself there after A went to preschool. I promised myself that I would do 20 min on the elliptical, and then I could leave. Well, I did the 20 minutes, and felt better after that, so I finished my full-body workout. Nerdy as it sounds, I am so proud of me!

I'm worried about tomorrow and the valentine's tea. There will be treats and goodies. I will chew gum. I will drink black coffee. That is all.

I'm letting Ophelia die

Wow. I was so tired last night, my head was literally buzzing. And my legs, but I think that was from the gym. I crashed at about 8 pm and woke up periodically throughout the night, but ultimately didn;t really get up until 9:30 this morning. That's 13.5 hours.

First of all, I want to shout out to AVY and her blog, My Mother Fucked Mick Jagger (I wonder if that's the truth, Avy?) She has a GORGEOUS jacket that she is giving away to one lucky reader. I'm hoping it'll be me. ;)

Honestly, I have never had a jacket quite so stylish as this one. It's French Connection. Bought in Paris! Admittedly, I am much to cheap to buy anything that awesome. I find it very hard to justify. But this jacket, is a size 10 UK. I looked that up, and while it would totally fit me right now (at size 6 US), it will look even better after another 15 lbs are gone. I have been working SO hard to lose the weight, but after binges it just keeps coming back. Currently I am down 7 lbs, and I just feel like this is it. It is working. I am cutting out most meat and leaning heavily toward vegetarian/veganism. I am going to 2 weekly fitness classes, and going to the gym 2x / week. I am reminding myself that this is a lifestyle change. That I need to do this to feel good about myself, for myself.

So there's my motivation, Avy. Myself. To look good and feel even better. I remember how I felt when I was tiny. When I could be blown away with the wind. And a part of me wants it back. I deserve to be happy. We all do.

Made Veggie Lo Mein from EHH last night. No pic - I was in a huge rush yesterday, trying to pick A up from preschool, get home, make dinner, and then go to work. It's a miracle dinner even got made at all - the frozen pizza in the freezer was beckoning. But I did make it and it was yummy. And this time I even went completely vegan and didn't sneak in yogurt or anything. ;) Loved the spicy kick added by the cayenne flakes added.

Today will be a big test. I have to bake. Valentines bake sale at church, and N and her friend want to bake up a storm. And I have promised to make these:

For both N and A's classes. So, like 35 of them. I will NOT EAT ANY.

I will post pics of my misadventures, hopefully you will not see any cookie batter smeared across my face.

Pray for me, girls. I'll need it. :S

When I return to her I find...

I started off pretty miserable this morning. That tired, unenergetic, can barely drag yourself out of bed tired. You know, the kind of fatigue you get from not feeding yourself enough.

I had a bowl of oatmeal with some applesauce, rhubarb, and cinnamon, and I perked up immensely. Still stayed home all morning and played on Pinterest, though. It's my new obsession. I was just surfing it now and came across these dresses on modcloth:

What do you think? I am not a fashionista, that's for sure, but my friend is getting married in August (it will be a scorchingly hot outdoor wedding, most likely), and I will need something to wear. I am hoping to weigh 112 lbs or less by then.

Took my babe (well, she's 3 actually, but always my babe!) grocery shopping this afternoon; we went to a different store than we usually do because I wanted to go to the Dollarama store out that direction. There's only 3 grocery stores to choose from in this town, you know. So I was shopping around, and I found KALE!

Now, I haven't ever seen it in the store I usually shop at. I was so excited, because I've just been reading about the awesomeness of KALE CHIPS. Needless say, it was put in that cart pronto!

Tried the Kale chips with dinner. Forgot to take a pic (who woulda thunk?), but I think I overcooked them a little, because they tasted kinda smoky and charred. They were still edible, but not a good thing, really. I also sprinkled them with salt and pepper before baking, and I think the salt was too much. I never put salt in/on anything, but I was trying to keep with the whole "like a potato chip" idea. Next time I won't, I'll just use pepper and maybe some other spices. Lemon pepper might be good on them. And I'll cook them less... I plan on trying them out again tomorrow night. ;) Their crispyness was unlike anything I've ever tasted before - they almost shattered and melted in my mouth. I really liked that part about them.

Went to my ab strengthening class tonight. I don't know, I didn't sweat much and didn't feel like I was working all that hard. But I did complete pretty much all the exercises we were doing - I wasn't wimping out. I worry that my body is preventing me from exerting myself too much because of all the restriction I'm doing.

Gym day tomorrow, I have to do a full 90 minute strength workout. I have been too slack lately.

...and everyone is better than you

Feeling instensely fat these days. Looking at old pictures and feeling miserable. WHY can't I just stay at my "happy" weight? Really, is 105 lbs to much to ask?

Tonight's non-vegan dinner: Coconut Chicken Curry

Again, I forgot to take a picture before calling the girls up to eat. This was pretty good, thrown together with random things found in my fridge. I started out planning to follow a recipe, but then realized I didn't have any coconut milk. So I improvised.

Ended up putting in chicken, carrots, green pepper, onion, chicken stock, almond milk, thai green curry paste, dried shredded coconut, and golden raisins. Thickened it with a little corntarch at the end, and mixed in a little lime juice before serving with rice.

I would have gone a little spicier, but I used up all the jalapeno yesterday. Besides, I'm the only one in my house who is a spice fiend.

Here's my latest time-wasting pastime: making finger puppets. I am coming up with my own patterns and designs.

I love the little pig. He's my favorite. I also have a monkey that is absolutely adorable, but no pic yet - I have to make 4 more to have 5 little monkeys!

I am such a nerd. 

 

A flop & possibly a keeper

Well, I promised a review of my EHH crab cakes.

"Crab" cakes on a bed of spinach with wild rice and dilled carrots.

Honestly, I was not too impressed. (my carrots were yummy, though).
I think they tasted too much like tofu. If I were to make them again, which I doubt will be happening anytime soon, I would use less tofu (the recipe called for 1 lb, and I was halving it, so I used 3/4 of a 340 g block), and more pepper, old bay seasoning, and mushrooms. I couldn't find oyster mushrooms, so I used regular ones & added some fish sauce to get that fish flavor (NOT vegan, I know, but I am easing into things). Apparently this didn't work anyhow because I tasted... tofu.
So overall, a bit of a flop.

Tonight's dinner, however, was pretty good! I made Chipotle, Corn, & Black Bean Stew from Vegan with a Vegeance. It was SPICY! I'm all for spicy, but kiddos, not so much. My 10 year-old said it was good though, just a little too spicy. Surprisingly, she's been tolerating all my vegan recipes well. She's a pretty picky eater, but she's never liked meat much. She was vegetarian until about 3 years ago when she discovered that she liked hot dogs.

Sorry, I forgot to take a picture of the stew before we dug in, so here's the leftovers (it made lots!).

Applied for 2 jobs yesterday. Hopefully I will hear something back. I don't want to work full-time, but at the same time I do. I want to have financial independence.

And N passed her swimming lessons! Level  is finished. She has 1 more level to go before she's passed them all. (For reference, I never passed level 3. :S)

Here goes EVERYTHING.

So, gained back all the weight I lost, even though the first week she was here I exercised like a madwoman. :( I did expect it to happen though, and I am now ready to begin all over.

Went to my boot camp class last night, even though I totally wanted to stay home. I told myself it would feel good afterwards. It really did.

Also headed to the gym this morning, while babe was at Preschool. Only stayed about 45 minutes though - 17 min on the elliptical and 2 sets of arm exercises. I am fighting a headache right now, so I will try to do some Wii Fit later.

It is a bit sunnier here today, it boosts my spirits a little, even if I am tired and droopy-eyed.

Making Vegan Crab Cakes tonight from the EHH cookbook. Is it nerdy that I am totally excited to get back on track? I also had fruit & yogurt for breakfast, and a clementine and fruit smoothie for lunch. I was concerned I had wasted money on my Ninja blender thingy, but I use it now almost every day.

Will post some pics of my din-din later on. I am going to try to outwit this headache and have a nap.