My mom is here visiting so I am eating lots and very non-vegan-like. :( I will update again when she is gone and I start eating better.

Ugh.

Thoughts

It gets easier and easier to consume less and less. 475 calories today.
I know this is so wrong, so unhealthy.
I feel so good knowing that I am empty, that I will be thinner.

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” – Unknown

Post Pizza Non-Binge Party

Here's my flowers. Tulips. They make me smile.
Yay for images now working - strange blogger glitch I suppose.
Unfortunately I'm still not able to see my followers.

2 of my cookbooks arrived today - the Happy Herbivore Cookbook and Vegan with a Vengeance. I've flipped through the latter a little and read the intro, but I plan on spending some more quality time with them tonight, and tomorrow while I am bored at work. ;)

I did pretty much follow the recipe for pizza dough found in Vegan with a Vengeance, though, for our homemade pizzas we had tonight. I was very brave making pizza. I ALWAYS binge with pizza. Whether it's a frozen Delissio, Panago's, or healthy homemade - doesn't matter - it seems to be a trigger food for me.
But N asked for pizza, so pizza I had to give. The crusts turned out really good, more fluffy than my usual ones. I usually buy the Pillsbury dough, split it in half, and roll it to death to make 2 thin-crust pizzas. These were better, I think, and comparable in calories. I'm thinking the difference might be that I just spread it out and stretched it with my hands, no rolling pin required.
Anyhow, I topped mine with a pesto made from basil, tomato paste, leftover roasted garlic from my soup yesterday, pine nuts, and a hint of olive oil. I also put on some spinach leaves, yellow peppers, red onions, and black beans. I didn't have any vegan cheese, and I doubt I would like fake cheese anyhow, so I just left it off completely. I'm used to putting very little cheese on my homemade pizzas anyhow. It was a totally weird combination but delicious nonetheless. It made a whole pizza, which I cut into 8ths and ate 2 slices.
211 calories for 2 slices of pizza. Not bad if I do say so myself.

I bought a LaraBar yesterday, the apple one. Saw it at Wal-Mart and thought I would try one, being that they are vegan and all. So I ate half yesterday (100 cals) and the rest this morning with my coffee. I like that they are so simple in the ingredients, and have been looking up recipes to make them myself. I might try that if I ever feel like I could do it without eating it all at once. I don't have that self-control yet. As soon as I start baking/making treats, you know a binge is imminent.

I'm exhausted, and I think our house may be falling apart. Found a nice wet spot on the carpet at the bottom of the stairs. I'm really hoping one of the girls just spilled a water bottle down there. I am too tired to deal with it now. Hopefully the towels soak it up and it doesn't re-occur.

So goodnight, and here's my fridge to see you off.
It's packed full of stuff, but most of it's pretty healthy.

Blogger quirks?

I bought myself flowers today.
Because I deserve them, and no one else buys them for me. I don't usually like flowers, since they only last a few days, but every once in a while they are nice to look at.

I was going to post a picture, but I can't seem to figure out how? When I click the image button, blogger tells me I can upload .gif, .jpg, and .png files, but then won't let me select any to upload. Anyone know what is going on here?

Thanks to Claire's recommendations, I have ordered The Happy Herbivore Cookbook and Everyday Happy Herbivore, as well as Vegan with a Vengeance. I can't wait till they arrive and I can expand my vegan recipe catalogue. I know there's quite a bit online, but I halways find something about cookbooks to be very comforting.

I also had a picture of my fridge to post, since a couple others have done that lately, but again, blogger picture issues. PLEASE HELP!
Is something going on with followers as well? Is following all anonymous now, because I can't see anybody on my followers list, even though it says I have 1 follower. Same thing on my old blogger account: 105 followers, but I can't see who they are! Anyone know how to fix this, or is it a new privacy thing with blogger?

Food wise intake was good. 710 cals. Had leftover Black Bean-Salsa soup at work for dinner, after eating a clementine & some carrot sticks with low-cal ranch dressing. I felt full after the snacks, but figured I'd better eat some real dinner or else I'd end up binging later.
I like to think this is my logical mind speaking.
If that's my logical mind, then just imagine my illogical one...

New Year, New Blog

I'm glad you found me again. I really missed not being able to blog, and comment on any blogs. I dunno, blogger went to shit on me and won't let me see my followers list, made it really difficult for me to ever comment on any blogs, and plus there was a "security" breach of my own blog which really upset me and made me feel quite violated, angry, and even self-conscious.

Self-conscious. Huh.
I hope to be a bit more honest in this blog. I'll try to post whenever a "blog" thought pops up in my mind. So that may mean some very short, but frequent posts, but probably also some very long-winded ones.

I've been quite stressed since Christmas, when I was unstoppable around all the sweets. Honestly, I sicken myself thinking about it. At times like that I wish I could purge. :(
But it is a new year, and time to start all over again. No sugary sweets. Little flour products. More vegetarian/vegan meals. MORE FRUIT & VEGGIES!
Easy, right?

One of the girls who babysits for my kids just told me she's pregnant. The poor girl is 17, in 12 grade. She asked me to meet her for coffee so we could talk, since I had been through this. I went and met her before here doctor's appt - and we talked afterwards for about 2 hours. I hope I was helpful and didn't make things worse for her, but I just told her she needed to do what she felt was right for her, and not worry about what other people wanted. Her bf wants an abortion. She hasn't told her parents. I also told her to finish school. Don't drop out with 4 months left. My dumbest mistake ever. I tried to tell her that yes, having a baby will change her life, but it doesn't mean she can't do the things she wanted to accomplish.
I feel like I am under a lot of pressure to say and do the right things to help her. But I really have no idea. I just went along with whatever life threw at me.
And look where I ended up.

Long Update

I have been doing well, it seems. I am down 4 lbs after gaining over Christmas.
I was back up at 134 at one point over the holidays - now I am down to 127.

I am eating a fruit & yogurt breakfast most days (along with my coffee, of course), and have found that this tends to ward off my hunger longer than any other breakfast I've tried. Even more than my oatmeal mixed with 1/2 mashed banana - and oatmeal's supposed to be so filling! Whatever, I'll stick to what works for me.

I have been eating an apple every day, usually for lunch. Sometimes I even have 2/day. I read somewhere that they are good for your skin, and my face has been ridiculously dry and scaly. I have 3 patches on my right by my lip that have been dry since winter began about 3 months ago - Wearing makeup just makes them look more scaly, and like I have acne again. Which I don't. Not since the amazing fetal-killing medication ;). So I think this apple thing is working.
Along with taking vitamins (Centrum Forte, Calcium, Vitamin D, Vitamin C, & B75 Complex) every day and drinking 1 cup green tea everynight before bed. And being SURE to wash my face before sleeping. I have often been lazy in the past and just left make-up on, not bothered with cleaning. NO MORE. I am washing and moisturizing before bed every night.
But I think it is working; my scaly spots are not so scaly, although still a little red, they are now more easily hidden.

I am also in the process of becoming a little more herbivorous. I have an interest in veganism. I doubt I can completely convert, as I live in a houseful of picky eaters, and I really enjoy my skim milk in my coffee in the morning. Maybe cashew milk would taste good in coffee? I like cashews, although I worry about the calorie content in nut milks. And soy milk = nasty. I've tried, really I have. Just can't like the stuff. Also, my 35 calorie source yogurt cups cannot be replaced.
So I'll have to settle for NEARLY vegan.

I've been browsing vegan blogs and been considering buying some vegan cookbooks. Made 2 "vegan-ish" dinners: Yam Falafels (but I used regular skim milk instead of non-dairy, and plain yogurt instead of soy-gurt in the sauce, so really, not very vegan, but vegetarian for sure!) and today made Black Bean & Salsa Soup (but once again added a tablespoon of plain yogurt on top, so nix on the vegan, really).
I'm thinking about it though, and I like to cook 2 vegetarian meals/week at least. Have been doing that for awhile.

Plus, when making a hard-boiled egg for kiddo, one cracked under my grip. Rather than waste it I made myself a fried egg on half a slice whole wheat w/ lettuce & tomato. Figured protein = good. Still didn't fill me up like the fruit & yogurt though.

Daily totals are around 500-800 calories.
Totally rambling. <3 Don't you love how a week of good restricting makes you feel so goddamn cheerful