I can see through you

Pretty sure I just overdosed on gummy vitamins.
Now my stomach is churning.

540 calories today, exercised off at least 200 of them.
Treadmill walk on highest incline, some half hearted weights, and then a walk around the neighbourhood (quite hilly!) pushing a stroller with a 30 lb kid.
Ugh.
Tired.

Weight is still dropping.
I know I'm ill.
I know I like the results.

One pill makes you larger...

Ate so much again today.
Only 855 calories.

I just don't have the energy to do ANYTHING, and I think my performance at work is suffering, so I feel I have to fuel myself.
Just till the end of the week when I'm all done with this hideous early morning shifts.

So ya, had my usual overnight oats for breakfast.
Came home, lazed around and was cranky. Got chili going in the slow cooker. Fed the kids lunch.
Had a power nap. Was not at all empowered afterwards...
So I figured I needed food.
REAL food; not lettuce/spinach.
So I made a corn, cucumber, red pepper, tomato salad dressed with lime juice, basil, and a scant bit of vegenaise.
Stuffed that shit with some hummus into a real live flaxseed tortilla. 150 calories! Oh Lord help me!
And cut it in half on the diagonal all purdy-like.
Planned to eat half but I scarfed it all.
Immediately felt energized. Who woulda thunk. 
But was it worth 310 fucking calories?!!! I think not people!

Made the best cornbread muffins for dinner with the vegan chili.
The kids all liked them - even the one extra who's visiting.
I ate one that broke, then had another broken one after dinner.
Made them mini muffins to keep calories/muffin low.
62 calories/muffin.

Now I feel huge.
Like a fucking whale.
Weighed in fully clothed half an hour ago - 111.8lbs
GOD I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO FUCKING OBSESSED.

Where are you going?

Well, I was at 108.2 earlier this week; Friday to be exact.
Saturday I didn't feel well, and that - coupled with a low-calorie but sodium-laden dinner on Saturday (homemade baked tempura with dipping sauce) left me feeling not great all weekend.

All weekend I was actually feeling much more hungry than during the entire week.
I figured it was my body talking to me.
Saturday I ate a lunch of a white kidney bean, pesto, & veggie filled lettuce wrap (Green wraps are my new favorite foodie discovery! Practically calorie free yet you still get to wrap it all together!). I have been eating spinach salads or drinking fresh green juice for lunch during the entire week; it was awfully strange to actually be eating something with some sustenance.

Come Sunday I was still feeling like I needed to eat and eat and eat; I think I may have overdosed on gummy vitamins while trying to ward off a binge.
I actually ate 1/3 of a Safeway chicken samosa that was left in the fridge after A asked for one while we were grocery shopping and didn't finish it all. That was only 132 calories.
It wasn't very vegan of me, however.
Didn't binge though.
Had a homemade veggie & rice soup for dinner; as well as a salad of fresh cherry tomatoes from my garden dressed with balsamic vinegar.

Still gained 2 lbs since that low on Friday morning, but I know it will be going down again.
I am sitting here on the couch with the laptop propped up on my legs.
While typing my arms rest against my sides and my fucking HIPBONES keep poking my arms.
It feels amazing.
<3

In other news:
I discovered these last night and ordered a set. :)

So excited to pack awesome lunches for the girls for school, and for myself too!
This is portion control at it's finest!
Check out all the adorable bento boxes you could make if you had all the time in the world!
Of course I had to order some necessary accessories:

 It's true, I really do have an online shopping problem. PLUS I am broke and just asked to borrow money from my mom. BUT I NEED THESE!!!

AND I am going to make my own little toothpicks to hold fruits, sandwich pieces, etc.
So fun!!!

Before & After

OMFG.
109.8 lbs.
I reached my first goal weight.
The one I'm not supposed to drop below.
I want more.

I feel so fucking amazing.

Before Surgery. 125 lbs.

7 weeks post-surgery. 110 lbs.

It looks like a lot more than 15 lbs disappeared...

Same?!

I just dared to weigh myself after the ginormous disgusting binge.
I don't know whether to be relieved or incredibly disappointed.
The SAME. Fucking 112.4 lbs.

That means that I must have lost a crapload of weight while camping, probably was less than 110.
Then gained it all back in one day of binge eating.

But at least I know it's possible to get there.

Fasted yesterday until dinner and didn't even feel hungry.
Existed on coffee, fresh veggie juice, and coconut water.
I'm on track again.
I can and will do this.
<3

Shite to the umpteenth degree...

Okay, serious binge tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I knew a month and a half was too long, I knew it was coming... :(
Must stay thin.

Outdoors.

Camping with the girls...

Was 112 before I left; have done good food wise until today; where I had to take a friend out for her birthday. Still have done okay - I was designated driver so I had only coffee and water and no alcohol. Half a serving of gnocchi in tomato sauce and strawberries in syrup for dessert. Then we had to have lager chips; I swear they don't make those in bc. But I only ate about 1/4 serving and brought the rest back for the kids.

I love camping. Sitting by the fire right now relaxing, kids have gone to bed.

Only crappy thing is I am out of smokes...

Thanks for your comments on my last post. I really didn't gain as much as I expected after visiting my moms. I hope to be at around 111 when I get home. And it's all downhill from there!!!

Fat again?

Spent the day yesterday driving. 

9 hours to my mom & dad's to pick up N. 

Did good in terms of food. Smoothie for breakfast; mini cuc, clementine, & coconut water for lunch; homemade veggie wrap for snack. Then ate half a corn cob and drank my green juice for dinner. 

Went out to the pub with a friend; ate edamame and 4 yam fries.

AND THEN THE DRINKING STARTED...

So many useless calories. 

Must be back up to 115 now. 

Why do I self-sabotage like this?

And why do they tell me I'm so thin when I am SO GODDAMN FAT?!!!

Stop force-feeding me.

Never was a cornflake girl...

Remember, sometimes you eat too much and feel full.
Sometimes you don't eat enough and feel empty.
These are not extremes, these are normal occurrences.

Right now I'm really full. :(
I just checked though - While I FEEL ABSOLUTELY GIGANTIC, my stomach is still flat.
I'm still thin.
I actually had to lift my shirt and look.
I can feel my bulging muffin top pushing against the drawstring of my pajamas... but it's not.
There's no muffin top there.
There's actually a gap between my stomach and the drawstring.
THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD.

I was so hungry tonight.
Not sure why.
Figured I'd better just eat an extra small meal, and one thing let to another.
Not a binge per say, I just overate a little.
All vegan food, pretty much healthy stuff.
Half a veggie sandwich, baby carrots & hummus, 5 strawberries, 1 piece of toast with cashew butter, and a homemade baked donut.
Total today - 1246 calories.
It only feels like so much since I've been eating 600-700 a day for the past 2 weeks.
My stomach must have shrunk.

Ugh. Not gonna make it worse though.
I have no desire to binge ever again.
It's not a nice thing, is it?

1 month anniversary of vegan-me!

Today marks the 1 month mark of being vegan.

I haven't been perfect: I'm pretty sure I consumed 2 fried eggs over the course of the month, and once when out I had to get a yogurt parfait (Starbucks is not the most vegan-friendly and I needed something substantial). At first I continued to have milk in my coffee from Timmy's, but now I just get it black.

Overall I feel good about how well I've done.

I've stuck to this for longer than any other crazy diet/lifestyle change that I've done before.

I know I will slip up occasionally, whether knowingly or unknowingly, and I'm okay with that.

It's the intention that's important.

Besides, it's about my health and well-being anyhow, not animal rights or anything. To me, that's just an added bonus.

I feel much cleaner on the inside now. Not so groggy feeling and definitely I am having less digestive issues.

I think I maybe farted 3 times in the entire month? ;) Seriously, you give me a slice of cheese on a sandwich and I am stinking up the room for 2 days. NOT COOL. Same deal for baked goods/junk food.

Eating clean is worth it if only for the reduction in embarrassing body functions.

I've also lost 7 lbs. WHOOT!

Dinner today = homemade veggie sushi

There's no sex in your violence

Today was weigh-in day.
112.4 - up from yesterday which was 111.6; but I was so freakin' hungry yesterday that I allowed myself to eat 3 meals instead of juicing for lunch.

Today I juiced for breakfast, had a smoothie for lunch, snacked 1/2 an apple and 1/4 of a dragonfruit, and ate veggie & tofu stir-fry with a bit of rice for dinner.
I'll be back down tomorrow.

MyFitnessPal is telling me I've lost 20 lbs.
It doesn't feel like it; I feel like I have so far to go.
Yet 110 lbs was my original "still be reasonably healthy so people don't freak out" weight.
I'm almost there, but I'm still a fat cow.
Plus it hardly counts since I haven't been able to exercise for a month.

Made and froze some tofu-vegetable pot-pies.
Then did the calorie calcs - 574 calories for one! Damn that earth balance is calorie heavy!
And that's making 3 pies when the recipe said it only made 2...
When the time comes I'll be eating only half, it would appear.

The bitch came back...

Still the pounds drop off my body.
I am concerned but unwilling to stop them.
I like my body better this way; tiny, fragile, weak.

I am excited, however, that I have just discovered a to-your-door organic vegetable & fruit delivery service that actually delivers in the rural area that I live in.
For a pretty reasonable price, too, I think.
I am going to try it next week and see how it is; I'll pre-pay if I like it.
I'm excited to get organic stuff - I never really get organic from my regular grocery visits.

I also want to plug the restaurant I went to while visiting Vancouver.
Gorilla Food, which is a raw vegan restaurant.
I admit, one of my main reasons for even GOING to Vancouver was to go to this restaurant.
(Well, that and to go to the Tea Party concert... <3)
Unfortunately, I only got to visit it once, so I can't give you all a huge overview of how awesome the food is, but I found it to be pretty good.
I got the Main St. Monkey Sandwich - LOADS of sprouts, olive tapenade, zucchini hummus, avocado, tomatoes, and I think cucumbers on some sort of dehydrated flax veggie cracker/bread.
Since being into the whole raw vegan food thing these days, I appreciated the sharp variety of flavors (although I did think the olive tapenade was a bit too oily; I had to go wash my hands after finishing the sandwich).
But you should have seen the boyfriend's face. Priceless.
So anyhow, if you are around downtown Vancouver, check this place out. It's within walking distance of Granville Skytrain station.

This is the excitement of my life today.
Uh huh.
I know, you are jumping up and down, right?
Sorry, best I can do. ;)