She laid me down, the Queen of Spades.

Oh my God, Janitorial work is SHIT.
I really thought I could think of it as just a job to get by and not worry about how low/gross/trashy it is.
But I hated it.
And I don't know if I can continue.
I told my Supervisor (an old friend that I have worked with previously) that I didn't know if I was really cut out for this job.
She told me everyone is overwhelmed at first and that I need to give it at least a month.
I will likely blind myself with a spray bottle of glass cleaner before a month is up.

It is my first day at Subway tomorrow.
I'm really hoping that goes better.

I wanted to go to Yoga tonight, bought my ticket and everything, but I ended up having to work the janitor job instead.
And I have to do the janitor job every Monday for the next month, so no Yoga for me. :(
I was up at 4:50 am to be at work at the gym at 6 am, for a really long 7 hour shift.
So needless say I'm a little tired.

I did however, make a pretty yummy concoction for dinner.
I made Moroccan Tagine with Spring Vegetables from Vegan with a Vengeance, served over couscous.
It was a bit time consuming to prepare, but not in a labour-intensive way, and even N said it was pretty good.
Although she is partial to anything served with couscous - she loves that stuff!

You might all remember my binge episode earlier in the week, on the absolutely delicious chocolate chunk vegan banana bread I made out of our black bananas, the remainder of the Easter chocolate, and a box of Peach-Yogurt LifeStyles cookies
It wasn't the worst binge I have ever had, not by far, but it felt pretty crappy.
I admitted to a friend who I ran into while grocery shopping for fruit/veggies (we were almost out and that's part of the reason I binged on the other stuff) that I had eaten nothing but cookies all day.
In a humorous manner, of course. Never take yourself too seriously, right?
She said: "I am really amazed at how much weight you've lost lately. One day of cookies isn't gonna screw it all up."
I decided at that moment that she was right, and I was going to keep it at one day of cookies and get back on the healthy train.
And I did it.
Somehow this feels like a momentous achievement.
Like, I chose to beat that binge.

My weigh-in this week was not a huge drop like I have been seeing in past weeks; due to the binge, obviously.
Although I did give in and weigh the night after the binge, so about 24 hours after I was done, and I was only up from 114.7 to 115.9.
That's hardly ANY binge weight, if you ask me.
And now I am down to 114.1 again, so I suppose the one day of cookies really didn't undo all my efforts.

Well, that's about all I have time for right now.
I hope everyone else's day went better than mine did today.
And I hope my day tomorrow goes better.

I will control...

Weigh-in day tomorrow.
I have to work at 5:45 am.
I've worked a lot lately, and I haven't even begun the new jobs yet.

I couldn't bring myself to run today.
Just too damn lazy.
I am going to go to yoga tomorrow and stretch out.
I'm looking forward to it.

Good night all.
This was a short one.

Just another hit for the one you love

I did it.
I started today over, without too much guilt.
I did eat chocolate this morning, but it was about 260 calories worth.
I did not let it ruin my day.
I did not use it as an excuse to go grocery shopping for binge foods.
Life is cheaper without binge episodes.
I mentioned this to my sister once, who struggles with similar food issues.
"We should NEVER binge together."
She actually calculated once that she spent over $200 in binge foods in a single month.

Going to the Dr to get my lab results tomorrow morning.

And got a third job this morning.
Cleaning businesses, mostly after hours.
I didn't even get interviewed, just sent in my resume this morning after a friend called and said they were looking for someone.
The boss called me back almost immediately and offered me the position based on my friends' recommendation.
I have to go in tomorrow and fill out some forms.

Yes, I am a workaholic.
I hope I can handle all this.
I really do.

Wake me up, lower the fever

I binged today.

Tomorrow I will forget it all.
Tomorrow I will be back on track.
I will learn from this.
I did it because of the new job.
Because I am stressed.
Because I don't know if I can handle it all.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Dragged me out, frightened by my nakedness, frightened by my own sweet smell.

My laptop is being sent away for repairs.
It is still covered under the extended warranty that I was bright enough to purchase when I bought it just under 2 years ago.
But it will take up to a month.
You tell me how I am supposed to live without my laptop for a month?!
Right now I am on the laptop that the kids use to play internet games.
My sister bought a new laptop and gifted us her old one.
But it doesn't have Microsoft Office, so no Word or Excel.
I need those to do my mindless recipe typing, as well as send out resumes and look for a new job.

A new job.
I got one this morning, by the way.
At Subway.
Yes, I am now a Sandwich Artist.
I was hoping to find something a little better, but this will do for now, I suppose.
I just hope it doesn't make me too busy.
I hope I will still be able to see my children.

Weight was down after the weigh-in yesterday, 114.7.
I am still holding strong to my meal-plan and haven't binged in over a month.
I am not consuming enough calories, as marked by the fact that I am still losing weight, but at least my body knows I am feeding it regularly.

And I am finally fully recovered from the mysterious illness that made me want to curl up in a ball and die.
3 weeks of misery.
So glad that's over.

Bought a new bathing suit today. And a dress.
Spent a crap-load of money that I don't really have, actually.
I really need to stop doing that.

This pain in my heart is all mine

Laptop is busted. The ex couldn't fix it.
Taking it in tomorrow, but I am resigned to having to purchase a new one.
As if I can afford such things.
Now it won't even let me download iTunes.
Why does technology hate me so much?

Weigh-in tomorrow.
I am excited when I know I should not be.
Because I know I have lost.
The question is, how much?
People have started to notice.
I don't know if I should be glad or worried.

I am tracking calories more than ever.
Less to make sure I am eating often enough, more to make sure I am eating as few calories as possible.
I need to stop this now.

I have been exercising pretty well lately. Went to the gym Friday, Saturday, and today.
I only did cardio Friday & today, but Saturday I did some weights on my arms, and they are still a little sore.
I hope to get in some cardio tomorrow night after work as well, if not a run tomorrow in the day.

At least the weather is getting better.
At least one thing is going right.

Or are we all just sitting here, waiting for the end?

Went to the Dr today and she accused me of having a VD.
I tried to tell her that it wasn't actually physically possible, as a partner/sex buddy would be necessary to acquire such things.
I don't think I convinced her.
I swear to god it's a fucking yeast infection!
YES, I get them quite severely.
TMI, I know. :S
She did agree to run a whole bunch of nutrient/vitamin tests on me though, after I told her I was struggling with my ED at the moment and feeling very rundown.
She didn't know about it.
Didn't read up on my file, apparently.

Going to dinner & movie at the school tonight.
Spaghetti & meatballs, salad & bun.
$15 for all 3 of us, since I didn't pay for A's meal (I'm pretty sure she can eat from mine. Heck, she can have ALL of mine! I'll eat the salad!)
I really believe I can do this.
I got through Easter.
I can get through one night of pasta.
I have allotted myself 1 cup pasta, 3 meatballs, and 1/2 cup sauce.
All the salad I want.
No popcorn.

Went to the gym for the first time in ages this morning.
Only had time to do the elliptical for 25 minutes, but it felt good. :)
I might go tomorrow after work as well, since the ex will be here and it's probably best I stay away as much as possible.
Just to prolong avoidance of the inevitable conflict that is bound to occur.

I think I am almost healthy again, despite the so-called VD.
Only woke up with slight headaches the last 2 days.
Here's hoping for freedom from the vice-grip of pain tomorrow.

Turn your head, now baby just spit me out

My laptop is busted.
It's one thing after the other.
The mouse/cursor pad won't move.
I did discover that if you plug in a USB mouse, it works.
Which is good, because the other laptop has a busted right click key and doesn't have a functional version of microsoft office, so would therefore not allow me to do any of my mindless OCD recipe copying.
However, the keyboard on this laptop now seems to quit every so often, and you have to restart everything to get it to work. Usually it lasts about half an hour before I have to restart it, but this time it's been an hour already, so maybe it decided to fix itself?
I can only hope.
I'm hoping that my now "ex" will be able to fix it when he comes this weekend.

Ate a little better today. A little more.
I did wake up with the killer headache again this morning, the same as the last 2 days.
Took tylenol and went back to bed for an hour, and woke up feeling better.
I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, I am going to ask for blood tests for absolutely everything to make sure all my nutrients are in balance.
I'm thinking my Vitamin B12 might be low?

Weird symptom list:
Headaches each morning
Random nosebleeds
Metallic taste in mouth when eating

At least the fever/chills, horrifically sore throat, and swollen lymph nodes seem to finally have cleared.

I am feeling more energetic today than I have for at least a week.
I'm hoping I will soon be able to get back to some exercise.
I never thought I would say this, but I am actually missing the gym a little.

Walked around my good intentions, and found that there were none

This is getting harder and harder.
I am letting it control me.
But I will NOT let it win.
I won't listen.
I am going to be healthy.
I don't want be tired, miserable, starving.
I want to be energetic, vibrant, strong.

I had another day that was way too low-cal.
After yesterday's exhaustion and too low intake, I was determined to start today off better.
And I started fine; ate oatmeal with pumpkin and spices for breakfast. I snuck in a quarter of an apple because my tummy was rumbling and it wasn't snack time yet.
But a friend came over in the late morning/early afternoon with her 1 year old. I made the kids lunch and they gobbled it up. I asked her if she wanted anything and she declined.
Well, I couldn't eat in front of her if she wasn't eating!
It would have been rude, wouldn't it?
I seriously think this, it's not just my ED voice talking here.
They didn't leave until 1 pm, and I had to work at 2, so I had no real morning snack, had my lunch late, and had to pack an afternoon snack "to go" (read another apple) instead of having it before I left at home.

Totally messed up my food plans.

Tomorrow is another, better day.
I just have to remember why I want this. I want to love myself, to be comfortable with who I am. To be a positive person and role-model for my girls. I owe them that.
I want to blossom, from the little scared bud I am right now, into a beautiful flower that stretches out vines and leaves and petals in all directions, catching the light as I grow.
I want to be better than this.
I want to be stronger than this.
I want to beat ED.

This is my reminder.

In silence we walk through these shadows, embracing the pleasure of pain

Well, today I did not weigh in.
Part of me wanted to, but I shot that down.
Instead, I ended up sorting through my wardrobe and trying on a bunch of old (smaller) clothes.
Many of them fit, and many of them are summery, so will be handy now that the weather is finally warming up.
I am trying to tell myself that I did this to save money, so I don't have to buy more new stuff.
But I think I really know it was just that ED voice telling me what to do.
It worked. I feel better now that I know I am thinner.

And another note: I tried on some leggings.
I have never been into leggings, always thought my ass had too many bumps and fatty bulges to pull them off.
BUT HEY!
Them things looked damn good paired with heeled boots, a long-ish top, and a waist-cinching belt!
I may be able to pull off the look this spring!
Only like 2 seasons too late, but whatever.

On another note:
Look what I did!

See ma! I grew my own Alfalfa Sprouts!
I made the sprouting jar myself and ordered the seeds online.
Got both alfalfa and broccoli seeds, but I haven't tried growing the broccoli seeds yet.
Can't wait to load them into my sandwich tomorrow!

Still sick, but determined to push through it.
How much longer can it really last, anyway?
The chills are killing my sleep, though.
The only way I can get rid of them is to get in the tub.
Hence 3 baths/day = very dry skin.

And it will make you lie...

Still so ill...

Felt a little better yesterday.
And it was sunny.
Went for a run in the morning.
I thought it would be difficult, given that I was sick and that it's my first run of they year.
(I am not one of those crazy people who run in the winter. I'm too uncoordinated. I'd fall on my ass.)
But I was pleasantly surprised. I ran the whole way up, turned around, walked for about a minute. Then ran all the way back down.
It took me weeks to get that good when I first started running it.
True; I didn't go very fast, but I don't do it to be fast. I do it to burn calories. ;)

Didn't sleep well last night, kept waking up every 2 hours from 2 am onward.
Felt awful again today.
Barely got through my shift at work. I was so cold internally that I was shaking.
Came home at 2:30, snuggled up under my covers with A, and promptly fell asleep.
Didn't wake up until 6, and then I was sweating.
Stupid fever.

I've called in sick for work tomorrow. Since I had such trouble with 6 hours, I don't know if I can do 7.
Hopefully I'll be better for Monday when I have to work again.

Sicky.

Sooooo Siiiiccccckkkkk. :(

Can't bring myself to exercise.
Would a binge make this all better?
No.
No, it really wouldn't.

All you are, is in you.

Sleeping in my own bed feels amazing.
My goal while visiting my family for 3 days and road-tripping for 2 was only to maintain; to continue to eat 6 meals per day and not to binge.

And I did it.

I weighed-in Thursday morning before we left. (just for comaparison's sake.) 118.8.
I weighed in this morning. 119.

I can hardly believe it.
The giddiness I feel is kinda stupid, actually.
I did eat Easter dinner, but skipped the turkey & ham, and unecessary carbs (mashed potatoes are kinda plain anyhow). I stuck to pureed squash & apple, a couple of baked yams, a little bit of stuffing that A rejected and somehow ended up on my plate, carrots & green beans, and a LOT of salad.
I had pumpkin pie for dessert - but I told my mom I was trying to cut down on my gluten intake, and would prefer to eat just the filling. My grandma has had a gluten intolerance forever, so we always make her a bowl of pumpkin pie filling. I ate about 3/4 cup of that. My dad has high cholesterol, so aside from all the added brown sugar, it was pretty well fat-free. :)

I also brought some of the pumpkin pie filling home to mix in with my oatmeal.
NOM. ;)

I can make you scared, that's kinda what I do.

Weighed in this morning at 121.2 lbs.
Down a bit more from last week. I am starting to feel a bit better about how my body looks.
But I am also getting fatigued, and it is getting harder and harder to keep up the 6 meals/day.
My snacks keep getting less and less substantial.
They used to be nuts - then smoothies - then apples - now half an apple.
Maybe I should just reverse the trend and start going backwards? ;)

I was just perusing through my food diary (obsessive, no?) and realized that I have not binged since March 14.
That's almost 3 weeks!
*doing a happy dance in my head*

Went to a hatha yoga class tonight.
It wasn't a workout, per se, but I feel all nice and stretched out now.
I wish there were a power yoga class I could alternate this one with, so I felt like I was actually working.
But we'll see if I am sore tomorrow.

Getting nervous about the trip to visit my family.
There will be food. EVERYWHERE.
I am going with a meal plan in my head.
I plan on getting out of the house to avoid it if necessary.
I will go to the gym once during the trip.

I told my mom I didn't want her to come back and stay with me afterwards.
I was honest. I told her I was working on a new thing - eating 6 meals and trying to stop the binging and starving cycles that I have been trapped in for 3 years.
She didn't take it well.
I must hide my disorder better than I thought, since she thought I already had it all under control.
Not even close, mom.
Not even close.
People think I am recovered because I'm not 79 lbs.
But at least then I felt good about myself.

I can see you there, hanging weightless in the air.

Feeling dead tired today.
I woke up with a slight headache and really sore throat.
Took some Buckley's and drank some hot coffee and that seemed to help a little.

I'm going to post my intake today. It's a pretty average day - 3 meals & 2 snacks but still too low in calories. I am comfortable eating this, but the fatigue tells me it isn't enough.

Breakfast:
Oatmeal Bowl (97)
     - 1 T cinnamon-raisin oatmeal packet
     - 3 T large flake oatmeal
     - 2 T applesauce
     - 2 strawberries
     - 6 raspberries
     - 3 blackberries
Coffee & Skim Milk (15)

Lunch:
Salmon Salad Wrap (208)
     - 3 T salmon salad made with miracle whip
     - 2 slices avocado (about an eight of an avocado, I'd guesstimate)
     - 1 leaf romaine lettuce
     - 1 small flour tortilla
1/2 apple (36)
Coffee & Skim Milk (15)

Afternoon Snack:
Green Smoothie (149)
     - 1/3 banana
     - 1/4 cup mango cubes
     - 6 pineapple chunks
     - 3/4 of a kiwi
     - 3 kale leaves
     - 1/4 cup almond milk

Dinner:
Cauliflower & Kale Curry (127)
1/4 Cup Brown Rice (54)

Evening Snack:
1/2 apple (36)
Green Tea (0)

Total: 740 calories

Not sure why I felt the need to put that all out there today, but there it is.
The curry I made for dinner was yummy to me, but the girls kinda rejected it. They aren't big fans of either cauliflower or kale, so I suppose I should have known.
I'm trying to use up all the veggies in the house before we go away to visit my mom for 4 days.

I have made some vegan overnight oats for breakfast tomorrow.
They are based on Angela's recipe, but I made up my own flavor - Apple Pie!
I'll post a recipe if it turns out well, but it smells pretty yummy even just mixing it all up!

It's the weekly weigh-in tomorrow.
I'm kinda excited, although I know I shouldn't be.
It shouldn't matter at all.
I am weighing in less - 2-3x per week, and only logging it every Monday.
I have turned down the scale's invitation twice this week.
I don't need him.
I wonder why it's automatically a him?