If you could only see...

Well, it was Monday yesterday.
Measurement Monday.
109.2

Also did various body measurements. They are on the smaller side.
Waist: 27
Hips: 34
Bust: 32
Thigh: 19

Of course although the measurements seem okay, my body is completely ugly.
I was talking about this yesterday with my counsellor; how no matter what my body size is I will hate it and find something that needs "fixing".
I know I will never be happy with it.
That doesn't however, make me stop trying to improve it.
There's always room for improvement, and every little bit helps.

I hate my hips, my butt, thighs, & bat-wing arms.
I just want them all to disappear.
I want smaller boobs.
I look at my (70 lb)11 year-old daughter, and although I realize it is sick and disturbing, I am struck with revulsion because I am so jealous.
I want a body like that.

I know I'm getting worse and worse but I don't have the motivation, will-power, or knowledge to pull myself out of it.

Fuck, if I were only normal.

10 days

It's been 10 days since I last posted anything.
The binge came. It was EXTREME.
I ate a mozza burger for the first time in about 7 years. It tasted like cardboard. I ate it anyway.
I ate pepperoni & sausage pizza left in the fridge at work.
I ate meat & cheese galore.
My boobs ached and my stomach protruded.

HW from binge = 118.6 lbs; 10 lb gain.
Then the binge stopped.

I remembered myself.
I was full of energy and almost a sense of happiness...
I suppose that was the calories working their magic.
And I went back to work on thinness.

Now I am 5 days post-binge.
Weight 110 lbs. 8 lb loss.
At least it is dropping off quickly.
I can still feel hipbones; still see collarbones.
But I am now exercising every day.
This kids are with me; we do Jillian Michaels videos together at home.
*best part is when we get to punch her face!*

I am accomplishing my goal.
I'll be sick to get there.

God I hate her. She's had 4 kids and she looks like this.
It makes me want to cry.

8 lbs

That 3 day binge-fest was worth 8 fucking lbs. 

I hate my life.

No, I just hate myself.

First day of my college course tomorrow. I was supposed to be skinny. :(

Fat ass

Binged.

I'm a fat ass.

Now my stomach feels soft, my hips fleshy. 

I'm getting painful cramps in my abs and around my bowels. I've gotten these occasionally since the surgery.

If bingeing exacerbates them, all the more reason to never do it again.

Also my arms hurt from the gym on Saturday, and the backs of my thighs; I think that's from gardening yesterday. 

So I am a fat, sore mess who really hopes I can pull out of this eating disorder someday...

:'(