If you could only see...

Well, it was Monday yesterday.
Measurement Monday.
109.2

Also did various body measurements. They are on the smaller side.
Waist: 27
Hips: 34
Bust: 32
Thigh: 19

Of course although the measurements seem okay, my body is completely ugly.
I was talking about this yesterday with my counsellor; how no matter what my body size is I will hate it and find something that needs "fixing".
I know I will never be happy with it.
That doesn't however, make me stop trying to improve it.
There's always room for improvement, and every little bit helps.

I hate my hips, my butt, thighs, & bat-wing arms.
I just want them all to disappear.
I want smaller boobs.
I look at my (70 lb)11 year-old daughter, and although I realize it is sick and disturbing, I am struck with revulsion because I am so jealous.
I want a body like that.

I know I'm getting worse and worse but I don't have the motivation, will-power, or knowledge to pull myself out of it.

Fuck, if I were only normal.

10 days

It's been 10 days since I last posted anything.
The binge came. It was EXTREME.
I ate a mozza burger for the first time in about 7 years. It tasted like cardboard. I ate it anyway.
I ate pepperoni & sausage pizza left in the fridge at work.
I ate meat & cheese galore.
My boobs ached and my stomach protruded.

HW from binge = 118.6 lbs; 10 lb gain.
Then the binge stopped.

I remembered myself.
I was full of energy and almost a sense of happiness...
I suppose that was the calories working their magic.
And I went back to work on thinness.

Now I am 5 days post-binge.
Weight 110 lbs. 8 lb loss.
At least it is dropping off quickly.
I can still feel hipbones; still see collarbones.
But I am now exercising every day.
This kids are with me; we do Jillian Michaels videos together at home.
*best part is when we get to punch her face!*

I am accomplishing my goal.
I'll be sick to get there.

God I hate her. She's had 4 kids and she looks like this.
It makes me want to cry.

8 lbs

That 3 day binge-fest was worth 8 fucking lbs. 

I hate my life.

No, I just hate myself.

First day of my college course tomorrow. I was supposed to be skinny. :(