I hate that it revolves around success and failure
and eating and non-eating and exercise.
I wish I could change.
I wish I could be skinny and normal and self-respecting.
465 calories today.
I am not hungry.
I binged yesterday, so my body is again full and still digesting it all.
I have this boy.
I'm scared to let on just how fucked up I am.
I have hinted, I don't know how much he has put together.
I'm scared to get too close, scared to care.
I am angry with myself for letting it go this far, yet I don't want to stop.
I like him but I know he is not really right for me.
But I enjoy his company and at least for the moment I enjoy the sex.
I like how he tells me I'm hot even though I don't believe it,
And how I can turn him on.
I am so afraid he will hurt me; I am so afraid I will damage him.
I wish I had something positive to say, but you read it all in my post the other day. It's a dangerous game. Just be careful, lovely. Don't let him knock that wall down entirely. Enjoy it for what it is, and make sure you ride that out as long as possible. (Not a euphemism.)
ReplyDeleteSorry to be a little cynic. Well done on keeping the calories low.
xx
Oh sweety. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time at the moment. Why not focus on the little things that you do like about your life and try to shift your focus off food and weight?
ReplyDeleteBoys can be tricky but if he makes you smile that's got to be a good thing- perhaps just take it slow and enjoy yourself?
I hope you feel better soon xxx