Did well today.
Binged yesterday - think ice cream and peanut brittle for lunch, then a bag of snap peas for dinner. And 200 calories burned off on the elliptical.
877 calories total today.
450 burned on the treadmill + 30 mins weights + 1 hour wimpy ice skating.
I am tired and need to go to bed early.
Called in to work tomorrow at 8:45 am, have to leave at 7:50.
I hate my life.
I hate that it revolves around success and failure
and eating and non-eating and exercise.
I wish I could change.
I wish I could be skinny and normal and self-respecting.
465 calories today.
I am not hungry.
I binged yesterday, so my body is again full and still digesting it all.
I have this boy.
I'm scared to let on just how fucked up I am.
I have hinted, I don't know how much he has put together.
I'm scared to get too close, scared to care.
I am angry with myself for letting it go this far, yet I don't want to stop.
I like him but I know he is not really right for me.
But I enjoy his company and at least for the moment I enjoy the sex.
I like how he tells me I'm hot even though I don't believe it,
And how I can turn him on. I am so afraid he will hurt me; I am so afraid I will damage him.
B: 4 strawberries, 2 mini mandarins, yogurt, sprinkling of blueberry flax cereal (106) L: Grilled veggie sandwich with feta cheese (253) S: 3/4 Oh Henry bar (210) D: 2 mini mandarins, 3 crackers & hummus, veggie sandwich w/o cheese (364) B: Toast w/ macadamia butter & banana (205) Total = 1138
-325 on the treadmill & 40 weights Net = 773
I weighed in at the gym, and despite all the bingeing this past week, it's still the same.
I know my jeans are tighter though. It hurts to wear them, so I attempt to wear pajamas and yoga pants as often as possible.
I can do this.
I need to be small, fragile.
I need someone to take care of me.
