Beating like a hammer

I'm sitting on my couch, drinking oolong tea, and considering how I don't think I've eaten enough today.
I feel a little off.
It's hard to bring myself to want to eat though.
I promised myself I would eat when I felt hungry.
I don't feel hungry.
Just tired, yet restless.
I made myself a bowl of fruit and yogurt this morning for breakfast, nothing unusual there.
But I ate half of it and had to stick the rest back in the fridge, I felt so full.
I ate the rest later on for my morning snack.
Fresh carrot-orange juice for lunch.
A veggie wrap for dinner.

700 cals.

NOT ENOUGH.
GO EAT.
Don't eat.

Don't get sick.
You need to be thin.
You'll be happy when you are thin.

Why can't this just be easy?

If you hate yourself, don't go changing

I read a book while in hospital - well, I read a lot of books, but this one might be worth mentioning.
It's Letting Ana Go, a new anorexic memoir if you will.
While I did find it somewhat triggering, it reverberates with me.
A lot of the behaviours and thoughts are ones I definitely remember having myself when I was caught in the throes of the disease.
It did, in fact, bring me very very close to tears.
But I do find it interesting that this girl was so sick... her bmi was 16.7.
My bmi was 14.4.
And the stupid thing is, it's still a fucking contest for me.
I was sicker, I was sicker.

I still wish sometimes I was sick again.
I just want to be happy with myself.
I want to feel beautiful.

Body and soul, I'm a freak

So, I've kinda cheated here a little bit.
I've lost 7 lbs.
I lost them overnight.
I had a hysterectomy to remove my uterus and accompanying ginormous fibroid tumor.
And while I was at it, we did a little nip and tuck (read: full tummy tuck with muscle repair).

This happened last Friday. I came home from the hospital Monday night, and have been sitting at home on the couch ever since.
I'm not in unbearable pain - the worst part is not being able to stand up straight.
Yesterday I had the drain in my abdomen removed and my bandages taken off. I'm just covered with tape now. And wearing the abdominal binder that I'm required to wear for about a month.
I haven't taken any close looks at the scar - I can't handle that. I just try to push it out of my mind.

I'm using this opportunity to relax and NOT WORK for 6 weeks. It's great.
Considering I have had a total of 2 days off since January.

I've also watched Forks over Knives and am converting to a plant-based diet.
I don't want to get sick, and I don't want to go get fat now that I paid for this tummy tuck.
That would be ridiculous!