All your weight, it falls on me

My 12 1/2 year old daughter now weighs more than I weighed at 24 years old.
She's 77 lbs; I was 76.

I'm jealous and I want my tiny, sick body back.
I am so screwed up.

I am humanity

I only want 2 things:

To be there for my kids and to raise them healthy & happy, and to be thin.

I am failing at both.

Don't close your eyes...

... they may not open.

My ex husband died.
One month ago.
He killed himself.
I still find it hard to believe that he actually went through with it.
I never thought he had the courage.
Just before father's day, and our kid has no father.

I have been dealing with the aftermath.
Our youngest daughter and I went to the viewing of his body.
I have been taking her to counselling sessions (she is 5)
I have been going to my own counselling sessions.
Wanting to die; wanting to be thin; hating myself
But knowing life is so much more than that, so hating myself even more for thinking of it at all.

Trying to deal with his family, although they blame me.
Dealing with the legal stuff regarding child custody and trying to decide what will happen to our old house.
I may try to buy it out and live there; although there are a lot of memories.
It will be harder now that he died there.

Sometimes I hope he is at peace; other times I hope he can see how hard he has made it for me and for his daughter.
There were times I hated him, but never imagined this would really be the end of it all.
And I did love him once.

Hug your family.
You just never know.